The barnsley joke page

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask
You something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,

why then did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because this is Halfords."

 

My friend just asked me to be Usher at his wedding.

I said I'll try and learn a few songs but I won't be able to do the dance moves.

 

My Missus crashed her car into some guy this afternoon.

She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time.

The police said he was perfectly entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own living room.

 

A black guy gets invited to a fancy dress party. Needing an outfit, he goes to a costume shop.He asks a female assistant for help.
"I need a costume for a party, please.""Okay, sir, how about this?" says the assistant, presenting the black man with a Father Christmas suit.
"Don"t be stupid, I"m not going as a black Santa!" replies the black man.
"Okay, well how about this one then?" She shows the black man a fluffy white snowman costume.
"No! I"m not going as snowman either! I"m black! Don"t you understand?" shouts the rather annoyed black man.
"Fine!" says the assistant as she hands the black man a plank of wood.
"What the f*ck am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.
"Stick it up your a*se and go as a choc ice!"

 

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to bewhen he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

 

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Because of the hot weather over the next few days my boss has said we can bring shorts in.

Jack Daniels it is then!

 

My son suggested I register to become an organ donor.

There's a boy after my own heart!

 

After insulting her food once too often, the wife's not cooking for me tonight.

Well, either that or the smoke alarm's fu*ked.

 

I'm opening a gym today that teaches people power walking and door knocking.

I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.

 

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.......

 

I've just applied to take part in an adult movie.

The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches.

I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 11.

 

Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third promotion this year..............I don't know how she does it!

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I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say, "Oh packing fudge are we?"
Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.

 

A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing."
The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says,
"when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be f*cking Coco Pops!"

 

A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, "Lord, can you help me?"

And a voice said, "Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God."

And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can feckin help me?"

 

Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying "Interviews for deaf people only".
Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door".
He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you"re not deaf at all. get out".

Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don"t shut the door. Mick goes into the room and the
interviewer says "Shut the door", and Mick replies "Shut it yerself!!!!"

 

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