The barnsley joke page

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said,
"For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said,
"For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said,
"I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator.
This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go f*ck herself!"

 

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The mother of a 7 year old muslim boy from Oldham who was kidnapped and taken to Syria to fight for Isis has made an emotional appeal.

Can someone please cover his shift in the shop this weekend?

 

There was a lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gipsy and told her about her problem.

The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said, "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle Penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you."

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great.

That is until her husband walks in and he shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

The woman says, "It's a pickled penis."

Unfortunately her husband replied. "PICKLE PENIS MY A*SE!!!"

 

Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Seamus says, "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!"

Paddy says,"That's feck all. My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

 

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I saw a neighbour jogging yesterday and thought, "Wow, finally she's decided to do something about her fat arse."

Then I realised she was running after the ice-cream van......

 

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the fullhouse and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky?! I've got Yellow 24!’

'F **ck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

 

Been doing some D.I.Y. around the house.

So I rang the local council to ask can I have a skip outside my house.

The bloke from the council said "you can cart wheel round the f*cking block for all I care".

 

Went dogging with the wife last night, never again.

By the time she'd managed to park the car, everyone else had f*cked off....

 

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I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out !!

 

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11 tall, gorgeous blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure. Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said "Hi" and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was, and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good" she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before...?" "Well, I have" I corrected her. "You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good".

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now?" she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their full back, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match".

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet...!

She whispered "Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man - have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?"


"I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the fu*kin' kick!"

 

I can't abide people who think they're badly off - a mate of mine was involved in a terrible accident where he lost the use of both his legs and his voice.

Does he make a song and dance about it? No, he does not.