The barnsley joke page

My mate just bought a Pub, and was going to rename it "Prince Charming" or "Goody Two Shoes."

I tried to talk him out of it, but he's Adamant .

 

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Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."

 

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Just heard that Bananarama are going on tour.......

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Two Irish fellas walking down the road. One of them gets hit by a passing bus.

He is lying on the floor bleeding, and clearly dying. His mate says "should I run and get the priest? "

"What are you talking about?I think I'm dying – it's certainly not the time to think about sex! "

 

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My uncle died the other day - he drank a bottle of varnish.

The doctor said he had a terrible end, but a lovely finish.

 

Two blondes were in a building when it catches fire.
"Quick! Let"s jump out the window!" one yells to the other.
"What? Are you crazy? We"re on the 13th floor!" comes the reply.
The first blonde puts her hands on her hips and, with a stern look, says,
"listen here miss, this is not the time to get superstitious."

 

BREAKING NEWS
West Ham reveal new shirt sponsorship!

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Does anyone know how long you cook those 'boil in the bag fish' you get given at the fun fair for?

 

A guy just knocked on my door and asked who my energy supplier was, apparently, "Red Bull", wasn't the answer he was looking for.

 

With the General Election looming, there's quite a lot of political jokes doing the rounds.

The worst thing is, that some of them will probably get elected.

 

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.
The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:
"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys"
The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:
"Out of what?"

 

Why can"t Welsh blokes take their girlfriends to the rugby?

They eat all the grass.

 

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