The barnsley joke page

It's Good Friday this week and our thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross.

Happy Easter Andy Carroll.

 

I just posted a joke about United Airlines but the company forcibly removed it !

 

A chap was sitting at a bar chatting to the landlord and said that he could identify a timber by its smell and feel. The landlord said, “No way” and after much discussion said to the punter, “OK, if you can do it, I’ll give you free beer for life”.
The punter took up the challenge and he was duly blindfolded.
He was taken to the landlord’s flat and at the first bit of timber, he correctly identified it as a mahogany table. At the next piece, he said that it was a pine dresser and the next, he said it was an oak bed frame and the next he said it was a willow cricket bat. By this time, the landlord was getting slightly worried that he might lose his bet and so returned to the bar, where he gave the barmaid a pencil and whispered something to her. She blushed and disappeared to the toilet, returning a couple of minutes later. The punter was duly given a piece of timber and he was obviously flummoxed, as he took quite a while before declaring –

“I’ve got it” he says, “It’s the bog door off a Grimsby trawler!!!”

 

I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts.
A woman at the party said to me, "this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?"
"A premature ejaculation," I said.
"What do you mean?" replied the woman.
"I"ve come in my pants," I said.

 

A koala bear wandered into a whorehouse and found a sleeping prostitute.
The bear crawled up on her and started licking her privates.
The woman woke up and was a little freaked out to see a bear licking her, but she decided it felt pretty good and she let the bear continue.
The koala kept going and eventually mounted the prostitute, has a great old time, and then walked toward the door.
The prostitute got up and shouted at the bear, "Hey, you have to pay for that!"
The koala shrugged.
"No, you don"t understand." she said to the bear, "I"m a pro-sti-tute. PRO-STI-TUTE. I get paid for having sex!"
The koala stared blankly.
"Look, right here." The prostitute grabbed a dictionary and showed the koala the definition. "Says right here, "Prostitute: One who is paid for sexual services."
The koala looked at the book, then flipped the pages back to "Koala" and showed her the definition:"
Australian marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

 

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CINEMA GOERS: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts!

 

After many thousands of hours of research, a team of scientists at Loughborough University have finally managed to pinpoint the exact time of day a woman is likely to begin an argument. Any.

 

Mamma Mia, an Abba track or a Yorkshire kid telling their Mum they've arrived.

 

A couple of Jehovah's witnesses just knocked on my door.

I asked, "Is it true you people don't believe in blood transfusions?"

One of them said, "That's correct sir."

I said, "That's a shame."

The other one said, "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because if you bang on my door again at 8.30am on a Sunday morning you're both going to need one."

 

Just want to thank a few people for helping with my preparation for this years London marathon.

SCS, for the sofa, LG for the TV, Hovis and Danish for the bacon sandwich......

 

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I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door.
She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 50’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that ****!"

 

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your Mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."

"Thanks Dad."

"No problem Alan."

 

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

 

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Booked my flight on United Airlines today, I'm really excited now.

It's been a long time since I was aggressively pulled off!

 

I’m sure that the gambling addiction helpline would get a lot more calls if every 10th caller won a prize or something!