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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
     
    #1121
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1122
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1123
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Some Scousers in Liverpool are moaning that there are not enough Scousers on the telly.

    The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.
     
    #1124
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What does a pint of Guinness and the mother-in-law's birthday have in common?

    For one day a year you have to pretend that you actually like them!
     
    #1126
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Delivery man on the M5 breaks down so he flags down Paddy. He says to him, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me." Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo?" Paddy says, "I did, but I had £30 left over, so I'm taking them to the Cinema now."
     
    #1127
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I hate getting old. I was at a lap-dancing club last night and as I tucked a tenner into her underwear she whispered, "Come upstairs with me and I'll give you super sex."

    "Thanks," I said. "I'll have the soup."
     
    #1128
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Oh, the irony....
     
    #1129
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Bloke goes to the doctors complainig of severe stomach pains. After about 10 minutes questioning about drinking habits, smoking, diet etc the doctor says " ok Mr. Thompson if you can drop your trousers I think I need to have an internal investigation "

    The doctor puts the latex gloves on, has a prod around and removes a £5 note from the blokes arse. After 2 hours removing fivers the doctor the doctor says " Mr Thompson I have removed £1, 995 00 from your rectum is there anything you'd like to tell me ?"

    The bloke says " I told you I didn't feel too grand "
     
    #1131
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.

    I wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
     
    #1132
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Adam Johnson may resume his football career when he gets out of prison.

    Just as long as he's not in defence. After 6 years inside, he won't be very tight at the back....
     
    #1133
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    THE NEW DARWIN AWARDS ARE HERE!!

    The Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

    This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!

    Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE.

    And the nominees were:

    Semifinalist #1

    A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk… Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

    Semifinalist #2

    Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    Semifinalist #3

    A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

    Semifinalist #4

    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

    Semifinalist #5

    Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter!

    Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

    Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
    The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist.... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

    The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

    The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

    The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

    However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

    Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

    You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

    AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!!… SCARY THOUGHT, ISN' T IT ?!!!
     
    #1134
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes a woman walking by asks, "Why are you digging a hole and the other lad is filling it in?"

    Paddy replies, "There's normally 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today."
     
    #1135
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  16. Wooperts_duck

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  17. Wooperts_duck

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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I once worked as a comedian at the local Alzheimer"s society club, they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again and again.
    In fact I told it 26 times.

    After the show, this old bloke said to me, "I don"t know how you remember them all!"
     
    #1138
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I still think Formula 1 would be a better spectacle if every driver had to down a pint of Guinness after every lap.
     
    #1139
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  20. Wooperts_duck

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