The barnsley joke page

A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die.
Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls.
The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water."I"m afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I"ll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it"s a trifle bazaar."

 

Me and a mate were standing in a club.

As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it."

She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it."

She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.

 

What`s the difference between a Remainer and a Puppy ?

Eventually the puppy stops whining !

 

I read that if you masturbate with a dead arm it increases the experience by 50%, so I tried it.

Absolutely mind blowing but it ruined my Gran's funeral.

 

I phoned Radio Merseyside today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Liverpool game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"

"7", I replied.

 

You won't see me taking the piss out of midgets.

I'm bigger than that.

 

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”

 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Benjamin Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as
a public service ..

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

 

I was eating my Chinese last night and it made me think! There's thousands of Chinese restaurants and take-a-ways all over this country which means there are loads of Chinese people! But how many Chinese funerals have you seen? I've never seen one! So what are they doing with them?

Then looking at my sweet and sour chicken balls, I'm thinking, chickens don't have balls that big!

 

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like fcuk she has a grenade in her hand.

 

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense.

I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

 

Manchester City fans on their way to Monaco.

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This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper.
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.
My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of gross indecency in a public place.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

 

My wife gets everything mixed up.

I get my Steaks well done and my Blow Jobs Rare.

 

One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night.
She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa.
I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I"m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker"
"Really" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."

 

Respect to the Manchester City fans who are doing a sponsored silence for Comic Relief.