My son's class is having a pyjamas day tomorrow. Great to see the education system is getting them ready for unemployment!
To find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the USA, the president sets a test for the CIA,the FBI and the LAPD. He releases a rabbit in a forest and challenges them to find it. The CIA goes in first and,after months of interviewing forest dwellers and conducting forensic tests,they deduce that the rabbit never existed. The FBI go in next and burn down half the forest claiming the rabbit had provoked them. The LAPD go in last and after half an hour drag out a badly beaten bear yelling "okay,okay! I"m a fcuking rabbit, I"m a fcuking rabbit!"
Which of the following doesn"t belong? 1)Wife 2)Meat, 3)Eggs, 4)Blow job A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can"t beat a blow job.
Apparently Leicester City have signed Lenny Henry up as their new manager. It's the only chance they have of staying in The Premier.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Apparently Coleen Rooney was behind Wayne not going to China. Something to do with the number of single Chinese women over retirement age!
I went on a rollercoaster yesterday, and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming. Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.
Quick everyone, the DFS Sofa sale finishes on Sunday.............and it doesn't start again until Monday!
A Charity Pantomine in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted, "He"s behind you."
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean." "Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."
At the wine merchant’s the taster had died and the director started looking to hire a new person. A drunk with a ragged appearance came in to apply for the position. The director wondered what he could do to get rid of him. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old , grown on a northern slope , matured in steel containers. Low grade but just acceptable” “That’s correct” said the amazed director. “Try another glass” “A Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results” “Completely correct – another glass” “This is a superior Chardonnay champagne, high grade and exclusive” said the drunk calmly. The director was astonished. He went over to his secretary and whispered something to her. She left the room and returned shortly with a glass of urine. The drunk tasted it , paused then said “Blonde 26 years old and three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father”
Three disabled guys -a blind guy, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair- are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys were the only survivors. They waited patiently for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he has NEW LEGS! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be independent and insists the blind man goes first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited. He starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side and... lo and behold - NEW TYRES!
The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her... It"s not my fault, I just fcuking panicked and swam to the surface!
"I watched that programme the other day, the one with all the cheap nasty antiques on it." I said to my mate. "You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied. "No, Loose women!"
"I got fired today," I told my mate,"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash." "That's a bit harsh", he replied. "They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.
I'm not calling my wife fat but she woke me up at 3am this morning saying that she thought there were some burgers downstairs.