The barnsley joke page

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

 

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An Israeli doctor once said
"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut
off a man's testicles, put them on another man,
and in 6 weeks,he is looking for work."

The German doctor said,
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a
brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he
is looking for work."

The Russian doctor said,
"Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man,
put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he
is looking for work."

The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented,
"You are all way behind us.
Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no
brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first
minister of Scotland.

Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!!"

 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.
"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case !!"

 

If you ever feel like your Life is meaningless, worthless and totally pointless.

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Just remember there's someone out there fitting Indicators on BMWs.

 

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HOW THE JEWS SANK THE TITANIC.

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate mutual dislike.

Oncethey reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'


'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'


'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all the same!!'

 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,“And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly priest, “But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.........but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!”

 

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For those of you who don't know how to satisfy a woman.

The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.

 

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I stayed at my mates house in Liverpool last night. It was so bloody cold this morning. I went out to the car and it was minus four.

Minus four fu*king wheels, Ba*tards!

 

The Liverpool team visited an orphanage in Liverpool yesterday.

“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Bradley aged 6.

 

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the Rochdale football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.

They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.