The barnsley joke page

Try saying "halal meat" without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.

 

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

 

Subject: The Jewish Quarterback


> > The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
> > only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
> > colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
> > a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
> >
> > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank
> > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
> > a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
> > window 100 yards away.
> >
> > KABOOM!
> >
> > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
> >
> > KA-BLOOEY!
> >
> > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, right into the open window.
> >
> > BULLS-EYE!
> >
> > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
> > arm!"
> >
> > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
> > football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
> >
> > The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
> > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
> >
> > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
> >
> > "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
> >
> > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
> > the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
> > adoring fans."
> >
> > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
> > gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
> > brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
> > to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
> > pauses, and then tearfully says,
> >
> >
> > "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”

 

I got chatted up by 2 Thai girls once on holiday . They said " would you like us 2 for the night it will be like winning the lottery?"

They were right we had 6 matching balls......

 

Where else but Wales can you get a fcuk.......a nice warm coat.......AND a casserole all from the same date.

 

I said to the butcher I bet you £5 you can't reach that nice piece of sirloin on the top shelf.

He declined as the steaks were too high.....

 

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I recently entered a raffle with Dignitas.

I'm sure they'll contact me, as soon as my number's up.

 

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I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

 

After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.

 

Jose Mourinho has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year.

Even if he has to write the song himself..

 

If only the good die young, does that make everyone over 50 a twat?

 

Just bought the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday...

Fcukin" hoover works perfectly now!

 

When I look at the moon, I see you,

When I look at the stars, I see you,

When I look at the sea, I see you,

Move out my fcuking way you fat bitch!.........

 

Cadbury have announced they are set to sponsor the Premier League next season and have decided to assign each team with one of their products:

Liverpool will be Turkish Delight as nobody likes them.

Chelsea will be a Freddo as they continue to become more and more expensive.

Arsenal will be a Creme Egg because you won't see them after Easter.

Leicester will be a Flake because they appear to be quite good but then they just crumble.

 

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I'm in hospital, but don't Panic!.......... I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!

Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring.