Match Day Thread RIP 3 Points - The Newcastle vs Chelsea Thread of Despair and Ecstacy(the drug... )

Dear Sirs and Madames of the clan Toon,

I don't need to be physically convulsing in a pool like a pre-cog from Minority Report, or one of Michael Barrymore's dates at the end of the evening, to know that this might as well be a memorial thread to commemorate the death of 3 more points this season. What's more, it's unlikely to be a "well, they battled on bravely through weakness, so let's celebrate their life" kinda story, and more a "he was ripped apart and exploited cruelly by a gang of sexually adventurous dolphins in front of his kids, and now a sea turtle wears his scalp like a baseball cap, in sick triumph at Sea-life's victory over the humans". So please observe the respectful/condolence tone at all times. I invite you to pay your respects below. At least Sunderland and Boro have toughies this weekend too (pour some out for one's homies ).

However, in the interest of whimsy (and to appease ACS' rigorous match-day thread regulations), I have included some stats for the football obsessed sadomasochists and deranged perverts among us (you guys disgust me):

Time of match: 17:30, Saturday the 26th of September.
Venue: St James' Crematorium.
Last season's score: Toon 2-1 Chelsea Funeral Services
Newcastle's home record vs Chelsea: 64 premier leagues home matches played, 33 wins, 15 draws, and 16 defeats via knockout.
Lookalikes:

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Guess who?
Players To Watch Out For: Sissoko, Krul, Coloccini, Cisse. No genuinely, this is a serious appeal, if you see them please ring Northumbria police immediately. Last seen giving a **** last February, little Mikey has put up posters (mostly in the club shop) to no avail.

While the overall theme of the thread is reflection and reverence, there will be games and prizes (not really). Games include "Who is John Terry banging right now?", "What is presently lodged in Mourinho's bum?", "Season based limericks", "Guess the minute Chelsea will score their first in" (the winner gets a very special prize... the prize of knowing they could have won a life-changing amount of money if they hung around with pissheads in the bookies, rather than pantwetters on here), and Hangman (our version of MOTM... whereby we form a mob and literally lynch the worst performing player).

 

I tried finding some betting odds, but whenever I selected Newcastle to win or draw, the page diverted me to some random ads. It seems the bookies know we'll walk it and can't afford to lose the money to such clever and canny gamblers, but at least I'll be able to make lots of money in simple investments and drive my brand new speedboat down to my tropical island residence, where my Nigerian princess-bride and penis pump will be waiting for me!

 

here you go fella.

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Thank you kind sir! May I also extend to you my sincerest condolences on your upcoming humping as well #northeastpointdonationweekend

 

Bent over and ready to take a united schlong in the batty fella. Condolences on your up coming Chelsea frigging.

 

Quality JPF. Love it.

Sadly i cannot award 10 / 10 as you failed to deliver in the very specific (yet highly important) request to include an update from The Badger King.

But still 9 / 10 smashes Albert's 3 / 10 rated efforts so well done.

 

I must remember my lass isn't a football fan. I keep mentioning "going down", to which her little face lights up, which just inevitably leads her to the endless disappointment I usually reserve exclusively for sex. She genuinely asked if I would show more interest in her on a weekend if she shaved the footy score into her pubic region. I said if she shaved it into her back-hair we'd have a deal

 

Don't worry my badger deprived friend, there will be copious reading on that subject. I turn-up for the ritual humiliation, I stay for the animal themed debauchery

 

Our only hope is that Doctor Eva comes running down the tunnel in a toon shirt and hot pants, knocks Jose grumpy cat out with her first aid kit thus leaving the Chelsea team directionless and unable to cope with our irresistible attacking force.

 

I'll be there on Saturday giving my full vocal support for 90 mins despite being pissed off. Dreadfully pissed off.

 

Where's the ****ing QPR head to head you lazy ****?

 

Pissed off or pissed up(as that's the only way to great through another 90mins of pure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

We're going to win 1-0 - heard it here first. A lovely ball crossed in by Janmaat which is then inadvertantly knocked into the goal by Mitrovic's backside as he leapt to elbow John Terry.

 

3-2 victory

 

Funny you should say that I had the same dream last night

 

Haidara hatrick of assists?

 

****ing hell, lets at least keep it in the realms of believable. One could possibly be from a Haidara cross - his 1 in 10 must be about due. Him and Colo will probably collude on the two we concede though the hapless bastards.

 

Hey Beardo

So just to clarify, you were dreaming of going in off Mitrovic's backside? Hmmmmmm wait until Rokk hears about this revelation.

 

Very rarely see a match sober. Bus leaves the club at one, so for a half five kick off, I'll be canny warm.

 

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