Photoshop/Jokes/GIF Thread

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands.
Police say he topped himself!

 

the simple ones are the best.

 

Heres another Cooperism angel "I fell off the shed roof the other day. My insurance man says I'm covered for falling off the roof, but not for hitting the ground!"

 

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Very apt for halloween lol

 

Very true.

 

The 2014 Sexy Football Calendar: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/fo...y-as-youve-never-seen-them.html?frame=2718014

The funniest is the Wenger one

 

Nice one PMK!!!

 

Another Cooperism--"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin!

 

LOL It's good to start the day with a laugh, shame more people don't post in here

 

Make you right angel ! Try this one for size! "A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted " Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs! The doctor replied,"I know you cant, I've cut your arms off!"

 

PMSL and its also a long time since a man said that to me lol

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. " My dogs cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well ", says the vet, "lets have a look at him!" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally he says " I'm going to have to have to put him down!" "What !!! Because he's cross-eyed ?" " No. because, he's really heavy!

 

My favourite Tommy Cooper joke was when he said he could turn a Mars Bar into a piece of furniture.
He then pulls out a meat clever and violently hacks it apart twice...then says "look...a 3 piece suit" was only about 7 or 8 when I saw that but it still makes me laugh 37 years later...

 

Man goes to the doctor and says "i keep on singing the green green grass of home."
"oh dont worry, you've just got the tom jones syndrome," replies the doctor
"is it rare doctor?"
" well, its not unusual."
another Tommy Cooper classic

 

RCL--I remember that one, another classic!

 

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye .
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
John's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep On the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'John, are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that John comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness John, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my father and my mother started moving (you know) at the same time.
Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed."
Then my father asks my mother: "Are you coming?" Then my mom says, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" and my dad answered "Yes." They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me."
________________________________________

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened'. 'Fine, go ahead, 'she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three
days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

 

A dwarf was arrested for breaking into a second floor flat yesterday

When questioned he said yeah it was me....










but the other six put me up to it

 

Loved the #257 one