Lighthearted

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again...

 

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Ulsterman and a Welshman met in a bar all excited about the Euro Finals next year and talked about going to France to watch their teams compete, planning the travel, hotels etc.
The Scotsman was a travel agent.

 

There was this guy sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, bent on trouble biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what you gonna do about that?" he says, menacingly, as the guy burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," he said. "I'm a complete failure".
"I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the carpark, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance had run out.
I then left my wallet in the taxi I took home only to find my wife with another man... and my dog attacked me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I bought a drink put in a cyanide capsule and sit here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole darn thing!
But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

new twist on R.I.P ..... Rest In Pieces ....

 

Me? A mysoginist?

Bitch please

 

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says "not yew tree again"

 

Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams.

Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

 

Why did Santa kick Raggedy Ann out of the present bag?
Because she sat on Pinnochio's nose and said
" now tell me lies" !
What do female Reindeer do for a bit of fun?
Go into town and blow a few bucks !

 

How much fun does a monk have ...Nun

 

How do you approach a dangerous cheese? Caerphilly

 

Queen Elizabeth And Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

 

on a day with another bad result ,,tnx for giving me a smile

 

I was working in a library & this bloke came up to me & said "Do you have a bookmark?" I said "Yes, we have hundreds..but my name's Pete"

 

I met the inventor of the trampoline yesterday.
Nice guy.
But a bit jumpy.

 

What's blue and comes in pints?
A Whale.