Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Woke up early and put Radio 5 Live on at 5am and there was a programme on called “Wake Up To Money Sport Zone”, which discussed finances in European golf, British tennis and who was going to want to sponsor World Cup Russia 2018.

They also talked to a guy from “Prozone Sport”, the company that compiles the statistics that we all see in football matches these days, including the amount of ground covered by players.

When asked to nominate the most embarrassing statistics that he had ever had to give to a team, he cited a Real Madrid game many years ago: according to the analysis, the goalkeeper had covered more ground than the (old) real Ronaldo. Apparently the manager then dropped Ronaldo for the next two games.

 

A simple philosophical thought for the day.....

Life is like a penis.....simple, relaxed, and hanging free.
It's women that make it hard.

 

Brilliant. Brought tears to my eyes laughing

 

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She should have just got her husband to park the car...
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A cartoon from The Times, so this the best place for a topical tribute to the late Gene Wilder:

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Posted the 'original' to my facebook account! Still cannot believe it; the best thing is the look on the faces of the audience!!!

 

Tim Vine: One armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out.

Victor Borges: The worst two Winters of the 20th century ... Mike and Bernie.

Benny Hill: Just because nobody complains, doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Ricky Gervais: Where there's a will, there's a relative.

Billy Connelly: Who discovered we can get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

Jack Benny: A scout troop consists of 12 little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

 

Why do we Irish take such abuse ???
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town inIreland. One day he was walking down the high streetwhen he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

 

Donald Trump would have gone on Twitter to have a go at Hillary Clinton’s medical record but he cannot spell pneumonia.

With Bake Off having gone to Channel 4, the BBC will now be showing Parabake Off three weeks later.

Rumour has it that Channel 4 have approached Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc about presenting Bake Off because they could not afford Clarkson, May and Hammond after using all the dough on the pitta.

Nigel Farage is furious about the warm weather in Britain this week because it entered the country without permission.

 

Liam Malone won the 400 metres at the Paralympics, breaking the record set by Oscar Pistorius.

His girlfriend has already hired a handy man to install a bullet proof door on the bathroom.

 

Hillary Clinton has admitted to Americans that she has struggled with a horrible disease for a long time – and warned them not to vote for the same.

 

Bloke comes home from work and finds his wife packing.

"I saw on tele that women can get five hundred dollars for sex in Sydney" She said. "So I'm out of here."
"I'm coming too." Replied the husband. "I want to see how the hell you can live on a thousand bucks a year."

 

How much is five hundred Aussie bucks in Euros?

 

453.80.

 

Very precise!

Sydney must be a very special (?) city!

 

David Lloyd at his best.