Two old women were talking one day and one says to the other "I'm going to enter my dog in the contest at the town hall next week, do you think I have a chance of winning?" Her friend answers "If you want to win you will have to trim some of the hair of his legs, your breed of dog should have nicely trimmed legs" The next day the old lady heads to the pharmacy and says to the person behind the counter "I would like something to remove unwanted hair" The cashier replies "We have a wide selection of razors available or you could try wax" 'That sounds like a good idea, think I'll try the wax" she said "One word of warning madam, after using this wax I suggest you don't wear tights or stockings for a couple of days, it can irritate your skin" "Young man, it's not for my legs, it's for my poodle" "In that case I wouldn't ride a bike for a week" came the reply.
A scouser at work says “god I’m hungry and I’ve forgot me lunch” His mate replies “you could have one of my sarnies, I’ve only just started” So the Scouser takes one, bites into it and spits out “god what’s in it” “Crab paste” “Crab paste! Where did you buy that?” “From the chemist”
It's Christmastime and Grant Holt is ill so Paul Lambert offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket he bumps into Paul Jewell. "Hello Lambo, what are you doing here ?" "Im getting a turkey and a few mince pies for Grant Holt" "Sounds like a fair swap to me."
Im sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations had a woman from the sperm bank call round today **** did i give her a mouth full!
I said to my doctor "ive badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident" He said " did you fall off your board?" I said "no i shut my laptop too quickly!"
Not so much a joke, but something to make you think. It is a slow day in a little Greek village, the rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt,and every body lives on credit. On this particular day, a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100€ note on the desk,telling the owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one for his overnight stay. The owner gives him a bunch of keys and as soon as the tourist has walked upstairs,grabs the 100€ and runs next door to the butchers and pays off his debts. The butcher take the 100€ note and runs down the road to pay his debt to the local pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100€ note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of animal feed. He then runs over wit the 100€ to the local tavern and pays off his bar bill. The publican slides the 100€ note along the bar to the local prostitute who has been offering her services on credit. The prostitute goes over to the local hotel and pays 100€ owing on her room rental. At this moment the tourist comes down stairs saying that none of the rooms are suitable, the proprietor hands back the 100€ note, the German pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a whole lot more optimism. And that my friends is how the bailout package works.
Paul Jewell was asked in an Interview how near he was to naming a decent side, about 40 miles down the A140 he replied
JWM, Perhaps that is where it is going wrong on the training pitch, he is dyslexic & telling the players to offend rather than defend...
I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!