Off Topic Jokes thread

It"s 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates.
Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the f*ck are you doing here?!"
Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?""Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You"ve killed millions of people. There"s no way you"re getting in here!"
Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?"
Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates.
On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can f*ck off for a start!"
Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don"t cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven."
Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you"re a mass-murdering madman, I"m not letting you in here."
Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven."
Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can"t do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!"
Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!"
Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I"ll go and ask my dad."So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what"s been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat.
God says "Look son, I"m as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain"t getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!"
"Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!"
On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He"s down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off.
Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? F*CKING IRON CROSS? You couldn"t carry a wooden cross, you soft prick!"

 

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted...
What do you call a blond with a whole brain?
A golden retriever!!!

 

During a sermon, the vicar hands around a donation plate.
One of the people attending, a gay man, pulls out a huge wad of twenty pound notes and places it on the plate.
When the plate is returned, the vicar sees the wad of notes, gasps and says, "can the kind person who donated such a generous amount please stand up?"
The gay man stands up. "You are very generous sir," says the vicar, "you may choose your three favourite hymns."
The gay bloke looks around, points and says, "I"ll have him, him and him."

 

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A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.
The defendant mutters, "f*ck all."
"What did you say?" asks the judge.
The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "f*ck all", your honour."
"Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

 

My wife watched a porn film with me for the first time.
She was ok with the graphic scenes of sex, but found the masturbation very off-putting.
She kept slapping my hand to make me stop.

 

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