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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Some Scousers in Liverpool are moaning that there are not enough Scousers on the telly.

    The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.
     
    #1681
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 23, 2017
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Delivery man on the M5 breaks down so he flags down Paddy. He says to him, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me." Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo?" Paddy says, "I did, but I had £30 left over, so I'm taking them to the Cinema now."
     
    #1682
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 23, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I hate getting old. I was at a lap-dancing club last night and as I tucked a tenner into her underwear she whispered, "Come upstairs with me and I'll give you super sex."

    "Thanks," I said. "I'll have the soup."
     
    #1683
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 23, 2017
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.
    Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!"
    "What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!"
    "Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s fu*king amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!
     
    #1684
    antipodean exile, Mar 23, 2017
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1685
    antipodean exile, Mar 23, 2017
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1686
    antipodean exile, Mar 23, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Oh, the irony......
     
    #1687
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 24, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1688
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 24, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Bloke goes to the doctors complainig of severe stomach pains. After about 10 minutes questioning about drinking habits, smoking, diet etc the doctor says " ok Mr. Thompson if you can drop your trousers I think I need to have an internal investigation "

    The doctor puts the latex gloves on, has a prod around and removes a £5 note from the blokes arse. After 2 hours removing fivers the doctor the doctor says " Mr Thompson I have removed £1, 995 00 from your rectum is there anything you'd like to tell me ?"

    The bloke says " I told you I didn't feel too grand "
     
    #1689
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 24, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.

    I wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
     
    #1690
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 24, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A man at the timber yard accidentally shears off his fingers.
    He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do."
    The man replies, "I haven"t got the fingers."
    The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven"t got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery.
    I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn"t you bring the fingers?"
    The man replies, "I couldn"t fu*king pick them up!"
     
    #1691
    antipodean exile, Mar 24, 2017
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I once worked as a comedian at the local Alzheimer"s society club, they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again and again.
    In fact I told it 26 times.
    After the show, this old bloke said to me,
    "I don"t know how you remember them all!"
     
    #1692
    antipodean exile, Mar 24, 2017
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1693
    antipodean exile, Mar 24, 2017
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1694
    antipodean exile, Mar 24, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Adam Johnson may resume his football career when he gets out of prison.

    Just as long as he's not in defence. After 6 years inside, he won't be very tight at the back....
     
    #1695
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 25, 2017
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1696
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2017
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  17. antipodean exile

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    #1697
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes a woman walking by asks, "Why are you digging a hole and the other lad is filling it in?"

    Paddy replies, "There's normally 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today."
     
    #1698
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 25, 2017
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I brought some of these flavoured condoms the other day.
    Said to my wife "Lets have a game, I put one on and you try to guess what favour it is"
    She closed her eyes went under the blanket and said " cheese and onion flavour"
    I said " Bloody Hell give me time to put one on"
     
    #1699
    antipodean exile, Mar 25, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I still think Formula 1 would be a better spectacle if every driver had to down a pint of Guinness after every lap.
     
    #1700
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 26, 2017
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