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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
    They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
    They"re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
    The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
    This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
    When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear off.
    Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
    The guy calms down and says:
    "Make them all ugly again."
     
    #1661
    antipodean exile, Mar 20, 2017
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Humpty Dumpty fcuked a fat whore,
    Humpty Dumpty fell to the floor,
    All the kings horses and all the kings men,
    Bent the bitch over and fcuked her again!
     
    #1662
    antipodean exile, Mar 20, 2017
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    "I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with.
    I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature.
    If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever.
    No fat birds."
     
    #1663
    antipodean exile, Mar 20, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates, "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out everyday, he just dropped dead."

    His workmates said, "****ing hell, Paddy, what happened?"

    Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open!"
     
    #1664
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 20, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1665
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 20, 2017
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
    The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

    So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
    A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
    "Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

    A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
    'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
    "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
    "Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
     
    #1666
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 21, 2017
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  7. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    Slim good looking lad, 18 seeking a bird for fun - Have own motorbike

    Medium built young man, 21 seeking young lass for nights in and out - Have own car

    Well built man, 35 seeks interesting lady for friendship - maybe more - have own flat

    Professional man, 55 seeks lady friend for companionship and maybe a second chance at marriage - Have own Detached House

    Retire gent, 78 seeks the love of a lady who can take good care of him - Have own teeth!
     
    #1667
    devonFRATTONiser, Mar 21, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1668
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 21, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
     
    #1669
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 21, 2017
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and says "doctor every time I look in the mirror I get a hard on" the doctor says
    "I"m not surprised you"re a cnut!"
     
    #1670
    antipodean exile, Mar 21, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1671
    antipodean exile, Mar 21, 2017
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1672
    antipodean exile, Mar 21, 2017
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    When I saw your wife crossing the road, I ran out of petrol trying to drive around her.
     
    #1673
    antipodean exile, Mar 21, 2017
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1674
    antipodean exile, Mar 21, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1675
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Whenever anyone asks me what I do for a living I tell them I'm a gynecologist.

    I'm really a cloakroom assistant in the Houses of Parliament but it's the same thing, I spend all day looking at c*nts.
     
    #1676
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 22, 2017
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A copper stopped me and gave me a speeding ticket.
    "What am I supposed to do with this fu*king thing?" I yelled.
    "Keep it.......when you collect four you get a bicycle," he said.
     
    #1677
    antipodean exile, Mar 23, 2017
  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A guy gets in a lift and asks the lady next to him,
    " Can i smell your vagina?"
    The lady looks at the guy with a disgusted look and says," NO!! "
    The guys says," Then it must your feet"
     
    #1678
    antipodean exile, Mar 23, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What does a pint of Guinness and the mother-in-law's birthday have in common?

    For one day a year you have to pretend that you actually like them!
     
    #1679
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 23, 2017
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1680
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 23, 2017
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