Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3121
    antipodean exile likes this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

    I said, "It's a f*cking scarf."
     
    #3122
    antipodean exile likes this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and yours is in the vets?
     
    #3123
    antipodean exile likes this.
  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
    She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman"s Friend.
    On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
    He asked her name, "Polo, I"m the one with the hole," she said. "I"m the one with the nuts," he said, then he touched her Milky Way.
    They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom.
    Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn"t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.
    He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
    Miss Rowntree wasn"t keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring.
    He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a boost. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
    When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out.
    However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
    Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!
     
    #3124
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    I went out on the piss last night and pulled a georgeous bird.
    We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms.
    When I woke up though I had the shock of my life.
    She had put on 5 stone during the night.
     
    #3125
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3130
    Wooperts_duck likes this.

  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk.
    Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
     
    #3131
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    Sky news report.
    The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
    They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..
    it was a mortar attack.
     
    #3132
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
    I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
    "What trick?" she asked?
    "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
     
    #3133
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    2,283
    Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied
    "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

    And with that Woops I sign off for 30 days - hopefully some others might join in - don't know whether Taff will re-appear hopefully so

    Cheers :emoticon-0103-cool::emoticon-0157-sun:<ale>:1980_boogie_down:
     
    #3134
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    My doctor told me to have 5 a day.

    My arm is f*cking killing me.

    Have a good holiday anti <cheers>
     
    #3135
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3136
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3137
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3138
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3139
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    33,963
    Likes Received:
    48,043
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3140

Share This Page