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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
    She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
    She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
    Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
    "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
    "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
    "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
     
    #2801
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I sometimes think about how much I miss my happy times at school: forcing new pupils heads down the toilet and flushing it, banging on classroom doors in the science block to get chased by the teachers, having a sneaky fag round the back of the bike sheds; and, of course standing in the queue with the rest of the lads to get a blow job from Nikki big tits of the sixth form. I loved that caretaker's job.
     
    #2802
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?..When i was ten-years old,i saw two dogs shagging in the street,and asked my mum what they were doing."Dancing" she replied.

    The first school disco i went to,i got f*cking expelled!!
     
    #2803
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I 'phoned a Chinese restaurant last night, and the man who answered said "Hello, I'm Wan King the chef".

    "No worries" I said, "I'll call back later"
     
    #2804
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Three men go on a skiing trip and book into a lodge.
    The lodge is overbooked so they discover that they all have to share a bed.
    The next morning, when they woke up, the fellow on the left side says "That was wierd. I had a dream that this beautiful woman was jacking me off last night!".
    The fellow on the right "You know what"s wierd? I had the exact same dream!"
    The bloke in the middle suddenly looks worried."What"s wrong?" ask his pals.
    He replies, "Last night I dreamt I was skiing..."
     
    #2805
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Two Jews queue up at Tottenham ticket office for a season ticket.
    The woman at the ticket office asks them if they are circumcised.
    The pair reply, "of course we are."
    "Then, I"m sorry, but I can"t sell these to you," the woman says.
    The Jews are confused and ask why not.
    The women then replies, "only complete pricks can be Spurs fans."
     
    #2806
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I would never divorce my wife,I love my house too much.
     
    #2807
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    New B&Q Bluetooth Cordless Hose.......new and unused, unwanted gift.........£20

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2815
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window.

    Bloody toot and car moon!
     
    #2816
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Not to be missed, today, DFS 30th anniversary closing down sale.
     
    #2817
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door.I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered.......... Proud to be Royal Mail.
     
    #2818
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I was driving through town last week when I saw a big fat American stood in the middle of the road.
    I ran straight over him.
    I could have gone around him but I didn"t know whether I had enough petrol.
     
    #2819
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Some girls beg & some girls borrow,
    Some girls lead & some girls follow,
    Some bring joy & some bring sorrow,
    But all the best girls suck then swallow.
     
    #2820
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