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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God
    > looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I
    > must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks
    > Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks
    > God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying
    > true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I
    > always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see
    > the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
    > Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
    >
    > Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are
    > the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too,
    > have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true
    > patriot and a loyal American."
    > God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he
    > offers her a seat to his right.
    > Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
    > believe?"
    > Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
     
    #1641
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Adopt A Terrorist -This is BRILLIANT ! '

    I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE IN THE CURRENT USA OR UK CHAIN-OF-COMMAND COMPOSING SUCH A BRILLIANT RESPONSE!!
    Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss

    The Canadians know how to handle complaints.

    Here is an example.

    A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive
    insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
    She received back the following reply:

    National Defence Headquarters
    M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
    101 Colonel By Drive
    Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
    Canada

    Dear Concerned Citizen,

    Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists capturedby Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held byAfghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

    Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleasedto learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department ofNational Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

    In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place themin homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detaineehas been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

    Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demandedin your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standardsof care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
    Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problemsas mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however,westrongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
    Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent,but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common householdproducts, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terroristis extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take himwhile helping him adjust to life in our country.

    Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property,thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

    You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that hewill recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

    You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficultiesyou encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

    Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our joband care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

    Cordially,
    Gordon O'Connor
    Minister of National Defence
     
    #1642
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  3. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his female room-mate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just room-mates."

    About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    John said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love John"

    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

    "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mum"
     
    #1643
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #1644
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  5. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    .Dear Technical Support,
    18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
    To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
    I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
    I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
    Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
    Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
    Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
     
    #1645
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  6. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    .HELP. . . does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?

    I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit.

    And now I'm 6 minutes away from owning cardiff city football club!
     
    #1646
  7. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    Tough titty, just put no investment into the club and drive them down, basically the same as what Tan's doing.
     
    #1647
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  8. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him

    "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

    Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

    My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

    "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

    Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
     
    #1648
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  9. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
    While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
    When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
    The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
    While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
    Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
    "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
    "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
    Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
     
    #1649
  10. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    We should have trusted him ?
    FB_IMG_1499289748460.jpg
     
    #1650

  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    When you are finishedBBQing, and the ice has melted, just pull
    the handle down & the fire goes out.
    Is this a great country, or what?!!
     
    #1651
  12. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    It must be nice to be able to move anywhere you like :D

    queenie.png
    Queen to rook 1 check mate !
     
    #1652
  13. PGFWhite

    PGFWhite Well-Known Member

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  14. Diego

    Diego Lone Ranger

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    Two nuns cycling back to the convent through the village,
    First Nun
    "I've never come this way before"
    Second Nun
    "neither have I, must be the cobbles"
     
    #1654
  15. Diego

    Diego Lone Ranger

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    Two blondes walking through a forest when they come across a set of tracks,
    First one says
    "oh look, deer tracks"
    Second one says
    "don't be stupid, they are rabbit tracks"

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.
     
    #1655
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1656
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1657
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1658
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
    I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
    "What trick?" she asked?
    "The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
     
    #1659
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk.

    Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
     
    #1660
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