JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

I went to the shop today and I was only in there for 5 minutes, when I came out there was a parking attendant writing a ticket out, so I called him a fu*king *anker. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres so I called him an arsehole. He finished with the 2nd and then started writing a 3rd ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care anyway, my car was parked around the corner.

 

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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week".

 

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

 

Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge.
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fu*ks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin "your turn"!
Justin burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings"

 

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Waiter, there's a heir in my soup.

 

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My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress.

"Give us a twirl," said my wife.

The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!

 

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Man goes into Doctors. "I think I"ve got this bird flu thing that"s been going round."

The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

The man replies, "Well I"ve starting wearing make up, talking bollocks and I can"t park the f*cking car."

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father,
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."

 

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Subject: car buying the senior way

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
$95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
$75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad,

Once again.... don't mess with seniors!

 

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Police forces are on a recruitment drive to find more Women Police Officers.

Apparently, the reason there are so few women in the Police force is they just can't seem to grasp the concept of "The right to remain silent!"