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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
    "You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing."
    The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says,
    "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm.
    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
    "Oh, sh*t mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops."
    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
    She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
    "I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be f*cking Coco Pops!"
     
    #1561
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say, "Oh packing fudge are we?"
    Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
    Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

    I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
     
    #1562
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third promotion this year..............I don't know how she does it!

    please log in to view this image
     
    #1563
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I've just applied to take part in an adult movie.

    The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches.

    I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 11.
     
    #1564
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

    Bloody Foreigner.......
     
    #1565
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm opening a gym today that teaches people power walking and door knocking.

    I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.
     
    #1566
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
     
    #1567
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  8. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    *When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.*

    *When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.*

    *In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.*

    *When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.*

    *When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.*

    *When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.*

    *I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.*
     
    #1568
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  9. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

    1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
    2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
    3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
    4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and
    5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!

    Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
     
    #1569
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Subject: car buying the senior way

    A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter-top.
    The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the
    $95,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for
    $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
    The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
    Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
    "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad,

    Once again.... don't mess with seniors!
     
    #1570

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that"s been going round."

    The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"

    The man replies, "Well, I've starting wearing make up, talking bollocks, and I can"t park the f*cking car."
     
    #1571
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
    On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
    After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
    After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father,
    "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
    "I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours."
    "Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty.
    "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
    "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
    "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
    "Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life."
    "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."
    "Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."
     
    #1572
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

    So you can tell them apart from feminists.
     
    #1573
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1577
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress.

    "Give us a twirl," said my wife.

    The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!
     
    #1578
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Waiter, there's a heir in my soup......
     
    #1580
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