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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Flipping true though - both they and Donnies fell apart at the end, but Argyle fans on different sites thought it would be a walkover for them !
     
    #1501
  2. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    Revenge is sweet after what they did in the play offs last year. I'm not happy, I had you down as finishing third in the office sweepstake.
     
    #1502
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...
    No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
    The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    Here is his astute answer:
    When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
    He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
     
    #1503
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Why do Scotsmen have blue willies?

    Because they are tight fisted wan*ers.
     
    #1504
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
    Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
    He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
    OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
    Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat,
    "Because I f*cking didn"t."
     
    #1505
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman rushes into a police station shouting "Grape Grape!!!!"

    The Policeman on the desk says "don't you mean rape?"

    The woman replies "No No there were a bunch of them!!!!"
     
    #1506
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A priest was invited to attend a house party.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
    A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening..

    Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

    The little boy pointed to the priest's neck

    When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked
    the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

    The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
    "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
     
    #1508
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  9. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    There was a lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gipsy and told her about her problem.

    The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said, "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle Penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you."

    So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great.

    That is until her husband walks in and he shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

    The woman says, "It's a pickled penis."

    Unfortunately her husband replied. "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS!!!"
     
    #1509
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Why I Like Retirement !

    Question:How many days in a week?
    Answer:6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


    Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer:Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

    Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer:Only one, but it might take all day.
    Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer:There is not enough time to get everything done.

    Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer:The term comes with a 10% discount.
    Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
    Answer:Tied shoes.

    Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.
    Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
    Answer:NUTS!

    Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


    Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer:Normal.
    Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer:The never ending Coffee Break.

    Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer:If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
    Question:Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer:He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

    And, my very favorite....
    QUESTION:What do you do all week?
    Answer:Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

    SERENITY

    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
    'Two years older than me'
    'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked...
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

    The nice thing about being senile is
    you can hide your own Easter eggs
    and have fun finding them.

    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
    cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
    blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
    hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
    if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
    But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
    down, and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time Igot my leotards on,
    the class was over.

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    It's scary when you start making the same
    noises as your coffee maker.

    These days about half the stuffin my
    shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway, the good fortune
    to run into the ones I do, and the
    eyesight to tell thedifference.

    Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

    Always Remember This:
    You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
    You grow old because you stop laughing!
     
    #1510
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    THE PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER..

    A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
    A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
    However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
    "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
    I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
    The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
    He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
    I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
    But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
    Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
    He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
    "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.
    "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

    Moral: Never, never be late...
     
    #1511
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Irish Fire Insurance
    A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.The wife had awooden leg and to insure it in Britain was£2000.00 a year!When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*
     
    #1512
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The mother of a 7 year old muslim boy from Oldham who was kidnapped and taken to Syria to fight for Isis has made an emotional appeal.

    Can someone please cover his shift in the shop this weekend?
     
    #1513
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
    As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said,
    "For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
    As the attorney was drinking his martini he said,
    "For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
    As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said,
    "I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator.
    This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go f*ck herself!"
     
    #1517
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife wanted a new ring for her birthday.

    I went a little better and got her 4 new rings, or a hob as it’s more commonly known.
     
    #1518
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Plymouth Argyle had an open top bus tour around the city.

    Apparently the bus was late, not because of the crowds, but because of gearbox trouble.

    They couldn't get it above 2nd................<laugh>
     
    #1519
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A child psychologist vists a school to find out what the children of today are thinking.
    First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
    "So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
    "I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.
    Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
    "So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks.
    "I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."
     
    #1520

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