JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Sorry we missed you.

Your parcel has been taken back to our sorting office because:

☐ You were in the shower
☐ You were pissing
✓ You fuc*ing blinked

 

During a sermon, the vicar hands around a donation plate.
One of the people attending, a gay man, pulls out a huge wad of twenty pound notes and places it on the plate.
When the plate is returned, the vicar sees the wad of notes, gasps and says, "can the kind person who donated such a generous amount please stand up?"
The gay man stands up. "You are very generous sir," says the vicar, "you may choose your three favourite hymns."
The gay bloke looks around, points and says, "I"ll have him, him and him."

 

please log in to view this image

 

A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.
The defendant mutters, "f*ck all."
"What did you say?" asks the judge.
The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "f*ck all", your honour."
"Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

 

My wife watched a porn film with me for the first time.
She was ok with the graphic scenes of sex, but found the masturbation very off-putting.
She kept slapping my hand to make me stop.

 

please log in to view this image

 

They're a bit racist in London aren't they?

I just saw 200 white blokes chasing a black guy over Tower Bridge.

 

In recent times it's been suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now Muslim I find bacon works better.

 

please log in to view this image

 

A woman and a baby are in a doctor"s surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby"s weight.
"Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor.
The woman replies, "breast".
With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"
The woman replies, "I know, I"m his Nan - but I"m glad I came."

 

What"s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

It"s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

 

A man goes into a bar and approaches a gorgeous young woman who is sitting by herself:
Man: "May I buy you a drink?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Im sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Woman: "No, they just open..."

 

Women always say, "They love a man in uniform", but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit, nobody talks to me

please log in to view this image

 

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.

She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird sh*t and you can't understand a word they say."

So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.

 

I could smell the cooking from my Korean neighbours house today.
I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here."
He said, "It's actually your dog."
I said, "Fu*k off mate, my dog can't even cook."

 

My mate just bought a Pub, and was going to rename it "Prince Charming" or "Goody Two Shoes."

I tried to talk him out of it, but he's Adamant .

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."