Didn't get much sleep last night thanks to my neighbour playing a Lionel Richie song over and over again! I wouldn't normally mind but it was "All night long!"
I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today. "You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant. "Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."
My mate was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation. I phoned the hospital to get an update of his condition and they replied, "it's touch and go at the moment."
My mate needed a Bone Marrow transplant and after many searches we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place and was a great success. Our thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.
My missus went swimming in the ocean while we were on holiday. I shouted to her, "be careful out there!" She said, "Don't worry, there are no sharks in these waters." I said, "No, but I heard the Japanese whaling fleet is in the area."
Scotland have said they don't want independence after we said they could have it on one condition they take Liverpool with them.....
A bear wakes up and, like all animals do when they wake up, he goes behind a bush to take a dump. While he"s back there, he spots a rabbit nearby doing the same thing. It"s a little quiet, so he decides to strike up a conversation. "Hey," the bear says, "you ever have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" "Nope," replies the rabbit. So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with it.
Bored? Broke? Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week? Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month? Then get a fu*king job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard.
The French Irish war ! .The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.' 'Well, Paddy,' Hollande replied, deciding to play-along, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes Eleven.' Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have Managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Hollandey asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..' Hollande sighs, bemused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured Personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, That I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no friggin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.' ..........................