JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

I'm not calling my wife fat but she woke me up at 3am this morning saying that she thought there were some burgers downstairs.

 

"I got fired today," I told my mate,"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh", he replied.

"They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

 

A football fan in Manchester saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Manchester Evening News says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now. United fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a United fan."

The reporter says, "Ok, City fan saves baby from dog attack!" The fan says, "actually, I support Liverpool."

"Ok," said the reporter, "Bastard bindipper Murders family pet!"

 

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I love helium, I can't speak highly enough about it.

 

Brummie walks into a tailors.

"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."

The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"

Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

 

George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in.
He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words....
"Stavros", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village?
Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don"t call me "George the Bridge Builder""
"You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don"t call me "George the Hospital Builder"".
"And the only church in town.... I built that too, and they don"t call me "George the Church Builder",
But you get caught fcuking just one goat......."

 

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please."

The barman says "Bells alright?"

Quasi replies "Mind your own fcuking business."

 

Drogba said that for him the turning point in the game was when his early penalty appeal was turned down after he dramatically threw himself to the ground.

The referee had a point though, as the anthems were still being played.

 

A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I"ll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can"t play."
A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie.
A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused.
The guy says "Ha! you can"t play it."

The octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I"m gonna shag it."

 

"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife.

"WHAT! I'll ****ing kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house.

Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary!

 

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months after she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor said don't worry , you had twins , a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you.

She said oh no , not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl ?

Doc said" Denise". Oh that's not bad she said, what did he name the boy? Doc said "de nephew".

 

Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

They love the smell of defeat.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"

Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

 

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?.........

 

My new girlfriend whipped out my cock for the first time today!

She said "Where"s the best place to rub?"

I said "Probably not on this bus!"

 

Stewards at the ETIHAD looking for Citeh fans....

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