JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

My neighbour accused me of being a bad parent after listening to my baby son crying on the baby monitor for over an hour earlier.

"Piss off," I said. "Loads of parents use baby monitors."

"Yes they do," he replied. "But not in the fu*king pub!"

 

Arsenal last won the league way back in 2004 and the song 'Crazy Frog' was No 1.

13 years on and he's still there.

 

Kids today!

My lad said earlier, "Can we go to McDonald's?"
I said, "You can if you can spell it."
He replied, "F*ck it, can we go to KFC instead?"

 

After clearing out the loft yesterday I gave an old Casio keyboard to the local youth centre.

Does this mean I'm an organ donor now?

 

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

 

Which of the following doesn"t belong?
1)Wife
2)Meat,
3)Eggs,
4)Blow job

A: The blow job.
You can beat your wife,
your eggs, or your meat;
but you just can"t beat a blow job.

 

To find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the USA, the president sets a test for the CIA,the FBI and the LAPD.
He releases a rabbit in a forest and challenges them to find it.
The CIA goes in first and,after months of interviewing forest dwellers and conducting forensic tests,they deduce that the rabbit never existed.
The FBI go in next and burn down half the forest claiming the rabbit had provoked them.
The LAPD go in last and after half an hour drag out a badly beaten bear yelling "okay,okay! I"m a fcuking rabbit, I"m a fcuking rabbit!"

 

My son's class is having a pyjamas day tomorrow.

Great to see the education system is getting them ready for unemployment!

 

A Charity Pantomine in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted,

"He"s behind you."

 

I went on a rollercoaster yesterday, and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.

Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.

 

I hear Harrison Ford only has one testicle.

Or Hang Solo as he likes to call it.

 

Apparently Leicester City have signed Lenny Henry up as their new manager.

It's the only chance they have of staying in The Premier.

 

Three disabled guys -a blind guy, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair- are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys were the only survivors. They waited patiently for someone to rescue them, but no one showed.

They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair and, eventually they find an oasis.

The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he has NEW LEGS!

He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be independent and insists the blind man goes first.

So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he can SEE!

Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited. He starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side and... lo and behold - NEW TYRES!

 

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The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...

It"s not my fault, I just fcuking panicked and swam to the surface!

 

"I watched that programme the other day, the one with all the cheap nasty antiques on it." I said to my mate.

"You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied.

"No, Loose women!"

 

What do Liverpool and Richard the third have in common?

They both got buried in Leicester!