JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.
Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “No Donald Trump!” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells
“Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine!
Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!”
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits!

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:
“Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.
The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed!
My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

 

Man "Doctor, I can't stop myself shagging dogs!"

Doctor "Good grief, how low can you get!"

Man "Ooo I'd say a Daschund or a Chihuahua"

 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find!!.

 

Little Johnny and Susie are only ten-years- old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie"s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I"m asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only ten. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,
"in Susie"s room. It"s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "okay then how will you live? You"re not old enough to get a job, You"ll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "our allowance: Susie makes five pounds a week and I make ten pounds a week. That"s about sixty pounds a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Johnny won"t have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "that won"t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse."

 

As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off.

Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.

 

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

 

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An Israeli doctor once said
"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut
off a man's testicles, put them on another man,
and in 6 weeks,he is looking for work."

The German doctor said,
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a
brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he
is looking for work."

The Russian doctor said,
"Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man,
put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he
is looking for work."

The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented,
"You are all way behind us.
Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no
brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first
minister of Scotland.

Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!!"

 

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.
"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case !!"

 

If you ever feel like your Life is meaningless, worthless and totally pointless.

*

*

Just remember there's someone out there fitting Indicators on BMWs.

 

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HOW THE JEWS SANK THE TITANIC.

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate mutual dislike.

Oncethey reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'


'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...

I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'


'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all the same!!'

 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,“And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly priest, “But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.........but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!”

 

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For those of you who don't know how to satisfy a woman.

The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.

 

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