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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I bought one of those CD's that teach you Spanish while you sleep. Unknown to me there was a big scratch down it.

    Now I'm fluent in stuttering in Spanish.





     
    #1121
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 13, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

    It's called Not Poodle.
     
    #1122
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 13, 2017
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  3. seabreeze

    seabreeze Well-Known Member

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    Whats the difference between a woman and a computer ?..... It's easier to get a 3 and a half inch floppy into a computer
     
    #1123
    seabreeze, Jan 13, 2017
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    AN IRISH MOTHERS LETTER TO HER SON.


    Dear Son,


    Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

    We are all doing very well.
    You won't recognize the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.
    I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen it since.
    Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
    Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
    Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
    Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.

    They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
    I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
    I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.

    Your father offered to buy it from him.
    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.

    Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
    About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets.John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much has happened.

    Your loving Mum.

    P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope
     
    #1124
    kiwiqpr, Jan 13, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1125
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 14, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1126
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 14, 2017
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  7. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback one night.

    After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

    After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car; switched the wipers on and off, despite it being a fine, dry summer night; flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

    At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

    To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

    “I doubt it,” responded the truly proud man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
     
    #1127
    swantastic, Jan 15, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.


    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"


    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?


    Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."


    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."


    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"


    The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


    Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."


    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


    The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


    Don't you just love lawyers?
     
    #1128
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 15, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers."This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."

    The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally Wan*ered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings Lords cricket ground.

    When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
     
    #1129
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 15, 2017
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

    Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.
     
    #1130
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 15, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I can't believe it, 7 weeks until Pancake Day, and the shops are already selling flour and eggs !!
     
    #1131
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 15, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Cristiano Ronaldo was bowled over by his player of the year award.

    Even though slow-motion replays showed that it clearly never touched him.
     
    #1132
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 16, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1133
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 16, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy".

    "No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".
     
    #1134
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 16, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"

    The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
     
    #1135
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 16, 2017
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"
     
    #1136
    kiwiqpr, Jan 17, 2017
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
     
    #1137
    kiwiqpr, Jan 17, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

    She replies, "I know who the father is for one of them, but I don't know who the father is for the other one!"
     
    #1138
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 17, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

    At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

    She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
     
    #1139
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 17, 2017
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    you must have really liked those too woopsy
     
    #1140
    kiwiqpr, Jan 18, 2017
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