JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Well it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I really do hope it's me this year....

 

CREATING A PASSWORD

cabbage
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boiledcabbage
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1 boiled cabbage
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50fuckingboiledcabbages
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50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
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50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’t GiveMeAccessImmediately
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NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

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As you lie back, your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you"re afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it"s the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he"s gentle like he promised he"d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he"s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it"s too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

 

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On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.

Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations".

He blessed them all and drove off.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely fu*k all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

 

I hate strip clubs.

I can't touch her, she can't touch me, I can't touch myself, and I have to give her all my cash.

It's just like being home with the wife.

 

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "that"s a docile old thing, isn"t it?"
"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it"s the most ferocious beast in the zoo.
Why, just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

 

DRINK DRIVING WARNING

I know we car owners are responsible, but this is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends after work. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before...
I left my motorbike in town and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise..

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

 

I told my wife that when I die I'm leaving everything to her.

She said, "you do that now you lazy bastard!"

 

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Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?

 

We're so skint at the moment that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

 

Somebody broke into my house last night and helped themselves to my traditional festive German bread containing dried fruit and dusted with powdered sugar.

Police believe it may have been stollen to order.

 

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried.

Apparently, "balls deep in 'er at number sixteen" wasn't the correct answer.

 

I bought a pair of trainers from the local drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

 

A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping.

More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh Fu*k!' he screams... Where's my Rolex?

 

A Travellers wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray.
The next day in court the judge asks the Best Man his version of events.......

Judge: "So then , please tell me your side of the story"

Best Man: "Well your honour, it is travellers tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did.......
O.K., I admit I was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of nowhere the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the pussy"

Judge: "Gosh says the judge that must of hurt.."

Best Man: "Hurt.... he broke 3 of my fingers !"