JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Just heard an extremely funny story Marcos Senna is asking for £60k a week to play for the swans lmfao
Sorry just wanted you to share my amusement lmfao

 

our player troubles may be over ! sky news flash just in H. Jenkins been spotted going into a london casino with 10 mill in his back pocket !!!!!!!!!!!
he was heard to be mumbling to himself. " Bet .32 red, bet.32 red, bet.32 red".

 

When he was asked "black or red" he said "Both... I like to play safe!"

 

‎2 dyslexic's driving along in a car."Can you smell petrol?""Don't be a prick I can't even smell my own name!"
Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known scouse Islamic terrorists. Bin Snort-in, Bin Deal-in and Bin Thieving, there is no sign of Bin Work-in

 

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When asked by journalists what they would be doing this summer,Malky Mackay said he was planning tactics so that Cardiff will win promotion to the Premiership next season. Brendan Rodgers said he'd be spending the summer shagging Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie! When the journalist told Brendan to be serious he pointed to Mackay and said- "Well he ****in started it"!

 

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what
those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had
received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,'
which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where
are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands '.

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


Studies have proven that 6 out of 7 people enjoy gang rape.


Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years


If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass


what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your ****ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

 

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.


I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......


My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.


I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
... but she's good with the kids.


A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.


I'm on a whisky diet,
I've lost three days already.


Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

 

If anybody is offended by these, please feel free to have them removed:

George Bush this morning on CNN announced that the floods in New Orleans are believed to be the work of a suicide plumber from Iraq.

I went to a Muslim birthday party yesterday and after the food there were games.......
That was the fastest game of “Pass the parcel” I’ve ever played.

NEWSFLASH!
London police are in trouble again. They have just shot a bus load of Thalidomide Muslims, on suspicion of bringing small arms into the country.

In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu, President Bush has ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands and Turkey

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a mosquito..
A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the head.......

 

Little old Asian lady at the Currency exchange a little irritated, "Why it change?? Yesterday I get two hunnat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunnat eighty?? Why it change?" Cashier shrugged and said "Fluctuations". The little old Asian lady replied, "Fluc you white people, too!"

 

Chinese guy in an optometrists. They do the tests, and the guy comes back a week later for the results.

"I'm sorry sir, but the results aren't good... you have a cataract."

"No, no no. I drive a rincoln!!"

 

Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

Nurses Aren't Supposed to Laugh

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what
seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory the manager asks "Have u worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I'm hoping it's going to be time and a half.

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger in. Now she's made a formal complaint, and I'm banned from the gym.

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating,

"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said,

"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration
of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,

"My wife's first husband."

 

Have a guess what this ad`s about?


[video]http://www.noob.us/humor/you-will-never-guess-what-this-ad-is-about/[/video]

 

U.S marines have captured colonel Gadafi. President Obama has stated that they are going to place him in a place where he can be no threat and do no harm! He's up front for Cardiff!