JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls and bluebirds.

    Welcome to the wonderful world that is our Swansea City joke thread.

    Here for all to bring a smile to your face, when life and being a football fan gets you more pissed off than an armless man watching porn.

    The floor is yours.
    <cheers>
     
    #1
  2. Il Jackante Buono

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2011
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    3
    Been at the Doctors cos of my bad back.He told me not to lift anything heavy.Now I have to piss sitting down.
     
    #2
  3. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    Michael Chopra and Jay Bothroyd turned up at the Liberty today each with rucksacks on their backs.
    A passing police man took an interest at the duo, told them to halt and commanded them to tell him what was in their bags.
    Chopra replied "Just some fake aftershave, a nine bar, hardcore porn, fake ID, stolen credit cards and some C4 explosive".
    The copper replied, "Thank **** for that, I was worried you had brought your boots!"
     
    #3
  4. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    PROPERTY OF SWAINSEYE >>>>>


    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f__k that" says Mick&#8221; have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead&#8221; The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!


    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"


    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.


    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
     
    #4
  5. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    PROPERT OF HAMMERSMITHJACK >>>

    Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

    Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy b*tch busy.

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

    My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

    Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

    Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar...?

    I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

    After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

    A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

    Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's rather a lot. Apparently Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

    Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
     
    #5
  6. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    PROPERTY OF SWANTASTIC >>>

    Scums new sponsor for next year . Tampax .The companys manager said "to sponsor a bunch of c***s during a bad period is exactly what this companys all about ".
     
    #6
  7. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    PROPERTY OF MOLBY'S BELLY >>>>

    Fairy Godmother gives a man 1 wish. He asks if he can live forever. The fairy godmother tells him that's the one wish that fairies are not aloud to grant.
    The man thinks a while..... and then asks if he can die when Cardiff make the Premiership. The fairy goes ...."you crafty bastard"
     
    #7
  8. swimaway

    swimaway Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,812
    Likes Received:
    257
    A Hindu, a Jew and a Cardiff fan are trekking over the Brecon Beacons in mid winter. The night is drawing in and the weather is getting worse. Just as hypothermia starts to get a grip they see a light shining from a distant farmhouse.

    Our cold but intrepid hikers approach the house and wake the farmer. The farmer is more than happy to put them up for the night, but explains he only has 2 beds spare in the house, but one can sleep in the barn.

    The Hindu selflessly puts himself forward to sleep in the barn to allow his friends some home comforts, so they all retire to their resting places.

    10 minutes later there's a knock on the farmers door. He opens the door to find the Hindu expalining "I cannot sleep in that barn, there is a cow in there - a sacred animal in my religion. I feel it would be travesty to my beliefs to sleep in a room where my religious icon also rests".

    Hearing this the Jew puts himself forward to change places with our Hindu friend.

    10 minutes later, there's another knock on the door. The farmer goes to find the Jew extremely upset. The Jew explains "I cannot possibly sleep in that barn.... there is a pig in there. A pig is regarded as a dirty animal in my religion - I would never sleep with such an animal!"

    Fortunately the Cardiff fan decides to change places so they can all settle down for the night.

    However, 10 minuted later theres yet another knock on the door.

    The farmer gets really pissed off and rushes to the door, opens it and finds the cow and pig standing there saying " You can **** right off if you think we are sleeping with a bluebird twat!!"
     
    #8
  9. Molby's belly

    Molby's belly Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2011
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    10
    A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
    The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
     
    #9
  10. swainseye

    swainseye Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2011
    Messages:
    354
    Likes Received:
    1
    The theory of intelligence I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

    'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
     
    #10

  11. swainseye

    swainseye Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2011
    Messages:
    354
    Likes Received:
    1
    This one`s quite nice, I don`t know where it comes from:

    When you're lonely, I wish you love
    When you're down, I wish you joy
    When you're troubled, I wish you peace
    When things are complicated, I wish you the beauty of simplicity
    When things are chaotic, I wish you inner silence
    When things look empty, I wish you hope.
     
    #11
  12. alswan

    alswan Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2011
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    3
    Courtesy of Tim Vine-

    "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

    "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

    "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

    "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

    "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

    "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

    "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

    "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
     
    #12
  13. jackdan

    jackdan Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    826
    Likes Received:
    0
    "If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

    "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

    "Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

    "My point exactly."
     
    #13
  14. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    6,200
    Likes Received:
    2,950
    A little kid just said to me, "What's your favourite telly tubby?"I said "Probably the Samsung 42 inch flatscreen, you cheeky little bastard"
     
    #14
  15. antidistinctlyminty (ADM)

    Joined:
    May 26, 2011
    Messages:
    1,157
    Likes Received:
    7
    Did you hear about the dyslexic, atheist insomniac - he lay awake in bed all night wondering if there is a dog
     
    #15
  16. alswan

    alswan Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2011
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    3
    Batman hit me on the head with a teapot and went "T'Pau!" I said "Don't you mean "K'pow!" "No," he said "I've got china in my hand."


    I went stealing in the supermarket carried on the shoulder of two vampires. I was charged with shoftlifting on two counts.


    You know what I like doing, trying to cram myself into a small suitcase! I can hardly contain myself!


    I had lunch with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked table cloth. I asked him to pass the salt and it took 45 minutes!

    He said, "you remind me of a pepperpot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment!"


    I visited the local RSPCA offices the other day, it's tiny! You coulnd't swing a cat in there!


    I don't do jokes about elephants. Not on your Nelly!
     
    #16
  17. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    6,200
    Likes Received:
    2,950
    I told the missis that I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and didn't know what it was. She said "ring sting" I said, what makes you think he'll ****ing know?
     
    #17
  18. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    6,200
    Likes Received:
    2,950
    was talking to a girl in the pub last night when I said to her "you remind me of my little toe" she said " is that cos I'm small and cute" I said " no, it's cos I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table".......
     
    #18
  19. alswan

    alswan Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2011
    Messages:
    191
    Likes Received:
    3
    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End...........'


    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue..' I said 'No, just a watch.'
     
    #19
  20. Il Jackante Buono

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2011
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    3
    So I was on my mobile at work and a woman said to me "what's your ringtone?" so I replied "brown like everyone elses"
     
    #20
: like kiwi

Share This Page