Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Damn you, now I am looking up old Viz adverts, that's the rest of my weekend gone having to explain to the wife what I'm chortling at.



Here's the link which will ensure it's not only me grinning witlessly. Pure genius.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=viz adverts&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=ivn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiokeOpkJvVAhXEVxoKHc93DzUQ_AUICSgB&biw=1024&bih=672#imgrc=_

 

That's the one!

 

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My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with police interviews.

For the benefit of the tape it's 7.15 am and she has just left the room.

 

Apparently the condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy Bears' Picnic today has improved, but he's not out of the woods yet.

 

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word "****".

I suppose she's got a point, though. I really should make the effort to remember her mother's name.

 

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance

 

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance

 

A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian says "No point You'll only lose it"

 

I just got home, brand new thesaurus in hand. I open it up, and all of the pages are blank. Totally blank. There are no words to describe how angry I am

 

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My mate just rang me in tears.
His wife has left him, taken his prized Bob Marley collection and the satellite dish!
Poor bastard.
No woman, no sky!

 

The royal navy were out protecting the coast from pirates.
As they were sailing, they spot one pirate ship. The captain yells to his seaman"Everyone prepare for battle" and he calls for first mate and says "First mate, bring me my red coat"

The first mate brings the red coat and they beat the pirate ship.

The next day two pirate ships are spotted. The captain yells out again

"Everyone prepare for battle! First mate bring me my red coat!"

They fight the pirates and win but the first mate was wondering why the captain asks for his red coat every time they fight, so he asks him.

The captain replied "if I were to get injured, you would not be able to see the blood through the red coat and the morale of the crew would not go down"

The first mate thought that was brilliant and never questioned the captain

The following day, as they were sailing, 20 pirate ships were approaching the captain and his crew

The captain yelled out "Everyone prepare for battle, First mate bring me my brown pants!"

 

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

 

i was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my swimming trunks was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave. They replied "because he hasn't **** himself".

 

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What do you call an Irishman standing between two panes of glass? Paddy O'Doors