Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the woman.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that"s once".
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that�s twice".
We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule.
Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule.
He looked at me and quietly said, "that's once"..."

 

My wife"s spent hours in the back garden today.

Suppose I"d better go unlock the back door.

 

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "f**k off you bastard!" She screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!

 

Halal meat - how you greet your friends if you live in Newcastle.

 

I just got asked the time by an DHL delivery driver.

So I told the ba*tard it was between 8am and 1pm!

 

This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I"ll take some clothes off."
Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH.
They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn"t open it.
His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend"s shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm.
She flagged down a car.
Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN"T GET OUT!!"
The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big.
He said "If he is that far in, he"s not coming out!"

 

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A black guy dies and goes to heaven.
At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter.
St Peter says, "heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing.
Have you ever done anything amazing?".
The black guy says, "in fact I have. I f*cked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Klu Klux Klan."
"Wow," says St Peter, "that is amazing! When was that?"
To which the black guy replies, "oh, about five minutes ago"

 

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The day when all hope is not lost!

 

A man is being shown around a latex factory.
First of all he is shown the machine that makes baby bottle teats.
The machine makes the sound: hiss, pop, hiss, pop.
Now, the hissing noise is the latex being poured into the moulds, and the popping noise is the hole being put into the end of the teat.
Next he is shown the machine that makes condoms.
The machine makes the noise: hiss, hiss, hiss, pop, so the man says, "hang on a minute, I know that the hissing sound is latex being poured into the mould, but I can hear a popping noise."
The manager of the factory says, "yes, sir, after every four condoms, we put a hole in one."
"F*cking hell," the bloke says "that can"t be very good for the condom industry!"
"No," said the manager, "but it"s f*cking brilliant for the baby bottle teat business."

 

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called 'The Tradesman'

You stay in all day and nobody comes!

 

A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:


“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

You’ve taken –

My favourite actor, Patrick Macnee

My favourite horror actor, Christopher Lee

My favourite comedian, Robin Williams

My favourite singers, Cilla Black, Joe Cocker and David Bowie

My favourite author, Tom Clancy

And finally, my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan.

So Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:

Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, and that stupid loud mouth cow from Scotland

 

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A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies: "yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

 

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fu*king chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.

 

79% of accidents happen in the home.

Finally some good news for the homeless.