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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.
    The defendant mutters, "f*ck all."
    "What did you say?" asks the judge.
    The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "f*ck all", your honour."
    "Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
     
    #2621
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife watched a porn film with me for the first time.
    She was ok with the graphic scenes of sex, but found the masturbation very off-putting.
    She kept slapping my hand to make me stop.
     
    #2622
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2623
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    They're a bit racist in London aren't they?

    I just saw 200 white blokes chasing a black guy over Tower Bridge.
     
    #2624
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    In recent times it's been suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but since all the doctors are now Muslim I find bacon works better.
     
    #2625
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2626
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2627
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman and a baby are in a doctor"s surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby"s weight.
    "Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor.
    The woman replies, "breast".
    With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
    After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"
    The woman replies, "I know, I"m his Nan - but I"m glad I came."
     
    #2628
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What"s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

    It"s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
     
    #2629
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man goes into a bar and approaches a gorgeous young woman who is sitting by herself:
    Man: "May I buy you a drink?"
    Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
    Man: "Im sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
    Woman: "No, they just open..."
     
    #2630
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Women always say, "They love a man in uniform", but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit, nobody talks to me
    please log in to view this image
     
    #2631
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.

    She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird sh*t and you can't understand a word they say."

    So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
     
    #2632
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2017
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  13. IwasanotherwatfordR

    IwasanotherwatfordR Well-Known Member

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    Spurs.jpg
     
    #2633
    IwasanotherwatfordR, Apr 25, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I could smell the cooking from my Korean neighbours house today.
    I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here."
    He said, "It's actually your dog."
    I said, "Fu*k off mate, my dog can't even cook."
     
    #2634
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mate just bought a Pub, and was going to rename it "Prince Charming" or "Goody Two Shoes."

    I tried to talk him out of it, but he's Adamant .
     
    #2635
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2636
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2637
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
    One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl."
    The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit."
    So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
    Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance."
    So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.
    The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
     
    #2638
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2017
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  19. peter1954qpr

    peter1954qpr Well-Known Member

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    A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana.

    She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.

    After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

    The shopkeeper replied, "Good luck! Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

    Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand.

    Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

    She lunges, wraps herself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

    Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up.

    Completely amazed, the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward the young lady.

    Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, "Ugh! This one isn't wearing shoes either!!"
     
    #2639
    peter1954qpr, Apr 25, 2017
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  20. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    I went to see the plastic surgeon as clearly my penis is not what my girlfriend wants and I'm going to have something more realistic..

    So I'm going to have it curved in two places with a rotating helmet with warts on it and a limb near the bottom with two talon-like projections which vibrate.
     
    #2640
    UTRs, Apr 25, 2017
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