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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    thought i was on the confused thread for a minute woops
     
    #2581
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I blame the drugs :confused:
     
    #2582
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs and kiwiqpr like this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    if it wasnt the drugs it would be the booze
     
    #2583
  4. Eamon Holmes

    Eamon Holmes Well-Known Member

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  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.

    A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
    Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
    of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
    calculator.
    At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
    believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
    carrying weapons of maths instruction.

    'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
    and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
    they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
    in every country.'

    As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
    every triangle".

    When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
    - "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
    would have given us more fingers and toes."

    Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
    intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
     
    #2585
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    As chairman of the Blind Society, I've been accused of needlessly wasting money.

    So I've arranged a fireworks display to cheer everyone up.
     
    #2586
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It's Good Friday this week and our thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross.

    Happy Easter Andy Carroll.
     
    #2587
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I just posted a joke about United Airlines but the company forcibly removed it !
     
    #2588
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A chap was sitting at a bar chatting to the landlord and said that he could identify a timber by its smell and feel. The landlord said, “No way” and after much discussion said to the punter, “OK, if you can do it, I’ll give you free beer for life”.
    The punter took up the challenge and he was duly blindfolded.
    He was taken to the landlord’s flat and at the first bit of timber, he correctly identified it as a mahogany table. At the next piece, he said that it was a pine dresser and the next, he said it was an oak bed frame and the next he said it was a willow cricket bat. By this time, the landlord was getting slightly worried that he might lose his bet and so returned to the bar, where he gave the barmaid a pencil and whispered something to her. She blushed and disappeared to the toilet, returning a couple of minutes later. The punter was duly given a piece of timber and he was obviously flummoxed, as he took quite a while before declaring –

    “I’ve got it” he says, “It’s the bog door off a Grimsby trawler!!!”
     
    #2589
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts.
    A woman at the party said to me, "this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?"
    "A premature ejaculation," I said.
    "What do you mean?" replied the woman.
    "I"ve come in my pants," I said.
     
    #2590

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A koala bear wandered into a whorehouse and found a sleeping prostitute.
    The bear crawled up on her and started licking her privates.
    The woman woke up and was a little freaked out to see a bear licking her, but she decided it felt pretty good and she let the bear continue.
    The koala kept going and eventually mounted the prostitute, has a great old time, and then walked toward the door.
    The prostitute got up and shouted at the bear, "Hey, you have to pay for that!"
    The koala shrugged.
    "No, you don"t understand." she said to the bear, "I"m a pro-sti-tute. PRO-STI-TUTE. I get paid for having sex!"
    The koala stared blankly.
    "Look, right here." The prostitute grabbed a dictionary and showed the koala the definition. "Says right here, "Prostitute: One who is paid for sexual services."
    The koala looked at the book, then flipped the pages back to "Koala" and showed her the definition:"
    Australian marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
     
    #2591
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."

    Not the best thing to sing outside an impotent support group.
     
    #2592
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2593
  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit



    jump out across the middle of the road.


    He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

    rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal



    lover, pulls over and gets out to see
    what has become of the rabbit.
    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .



    The driver feels so awfulthat hebegins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
    sees a man crying on the side of the road
    and pulls over.



    She steps out of the car and asks the man
    what's wrong.



    "I feel terrible," he explains,
    "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my


    car

    and KILLED HIM."


    The blonde says,"Don't worry."


    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
    She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
    bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.



    The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the



    two of them and hops off down the road.


    Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves



    again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,



    turns and waves, hops another ten feet,



    turns and waves, and repeats this again and again



    and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


    The man is astonished.
    He runs over to the woman and demands,



    "What is in that can?
    What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"



    The woman turns the can around
    so that the man can read the label.It says..


    (Are you ready for this?)(You know you're gonna be sorry)


    (Last chance)


    (OK, here it is)


    It says,


    "Hair SprayRestores life to dead hair,



    and adds permanent wave."
     
    #2594
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Mamma Mia, an Abba track or a Yorkshire kid telling their Mum they've arrived.
     
    #2595
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple of Jehovah's witnesses just knocked on my door.

    I asked, "Is it true you people don't believe in blood transfusions?"

    One of them said, "That's correct sir."

    I said, "That's a shame."

    The other one said, "Why do you say that?"

    I said, "Because if you bang on my door again at 8.30am on a Sunday morning you're both going to need one."
     
    #2596
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just want to thank a few people for helping with my preparation for this years London marathon.

    SCS, for the sofa, LG for the TV, Hovis and Danish for the bacon sandwich......
     
    #2597
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2598
  19. QPR999

    QPR999 Well-Known Member
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    ''Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?''

    ''Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter.''

    ''Thanks dad.''

    ''No problem Alan.''
     
    #2599
  20. peter1954qpr

    peter1954qpr Well-Known Member

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    I went to the zoo, it only had one animal, a dog.



    It was a SH1TZU
     
    #2600
    Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and Uber_Hoop like this.

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