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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Subject: The Jewish Quarterback


    > > The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
    > > only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
    > > colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
    > > a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
    > >
    > > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank
    > > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
    > > a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
    > > window 100 yards away.
    > >
    > > KABOOM!
    > >
    > > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
    > >
    > > KA-BLOOEY!
    > >
    > > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, right into the open window.
    > >
    > > BULLS-EYE!
    > >
    > > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
    > > arm!"
    > >
    > > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
    > > football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
    > >
    > > The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
    > > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
    > >
    > > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
    > >
    > > "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
    > >
    > > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
    > > the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
    > > adoring fans."
    > >
    > > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
    > > gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
    > > brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
    > > to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
    > > pauses, and then tearfully says,
    > >
    > >
    > > "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”
     
    #2261
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 21, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, Number 1 Jasper and 2 others like this.
  2. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2262
    acricketer, Jan 22, 2017
    Ranger4ever, Flummox, kiwiqpr and 2 others like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I said to the butcher I bet you £5 you can't reach that nice piece of sirloin on the top shelf.

    He declined as the steaks were too high......
     
    #2263
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 22, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Uber_Hoop, kiwiqpr and 2 others like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I recently entered a raffle with Dignitas.

    I'm sure they'll contact me, as soon as my number's up.
     
    #2264
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 22, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Uber_Hoop, kiwiqpr and 2 others like this.
  5. Number 1 Jasper

    Number 1 Jasper Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant. <laugh>
     
    #2265
    Number 1 Jasper, Jan 22, 2017
    Uber_Hoop, kiwiqpr and Wooperts_duck like this.
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
     
    #2266
    kiwiqpr, Jan 23, 2017
    likesforeveryone, Wooperts_duck, acricketer and 2 others like this.
  7. YappyR

    YappyR Well-Known Member

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    Lest we forget:

     
    #2267
    YappyR, Jan 23, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  8. Number 1 Jasper

    Number 1 Jasper Well-Known Member

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    I just got a job as a supervisor in an Origami factory .

    My duties are manyfold .






    Just bought my new Girlfriend some Slinky underwear .

    Not only does it look good , you should see her coming down the stairs !




    I just passed a car which I didn't recognise , it was driven by a sheep in swimwear .

    Then I realised , it was a Lamb Bikini ......
     
    #2268
    Number 1 Jasper, Jan 23, 2017
    kiwiqpr, Wooperts_duck, acricketer and 1 other person like this.
  9. IwasanotherwatfordR

    IwasanotherwatfordR Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant and accurate
     
    #2269
    IwasanotherwatfordR, Jan 23, 2017
    kiwiqpr, acricketer, Wooperts_duck and 1 other person like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2270
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 24, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Uber_Hoop, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.

  11. surreyhoop

    surreyhoop Well-Known Member

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    image-0-02-04-8143d0a36415c9191909742e7098ad5f15e3c1a77f69e972f324cbd54ad15083-V.jpg
     
    #2271
    surreyhoop, Jan 25, 2017
    Number 1 Jasper, Uber_Hoop, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    You see a black man and a white man drowning.

    You only have time to rescue one, which one do you pick?

    The black guy, the white man could be Scottish
     
    #2272
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 25, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Uber_Hoop, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

    Just need help getting it off the ground.
     
    #2273
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Uber_Hoop, acricketer and 1 other person like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After the horse meat found in Tesco burgers scandal a few years ago they have now found thousands of camel toes in Primark leggings.





     
    #2274
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, acricketer and kiwiqpr like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Jose Mourinho has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year.

    Even if he has to write the song himself.....
     
    #2275
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, acricketer and kiwiqpr like this.
  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    An old man wanted to plant a tomato garden, but it was difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

    The old man wrote a letter to his son:


    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling sad because I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm too old already.


    I know if you were here, you would happily dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, PapaA few days later, he received a letter from his son.


    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.


    They apologised to the old man and left.

    That day, he received another letter from his son:


    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you, Vinnie
     
    #2276
    kiwiqpr, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, likesforeveryone, Wooperts_duck and 3 others like this.
  17. YappyR

    YappyR Well-Known Member

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    Oh mate, that's a cracker. Really loved that one, I must say. Cheers
     
    #2277
    YappyR, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  18. Eamon Holmes

    Eamon Holmes Well-Known Member

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    Fletcher told that one to Godber in "porridge".
     
    #2278
    Eamon Holmes, Jan 26, 2017
    kiwiqpr, Uber_Hoop and Wooperts_duck like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If only the good die young, does that make everyone over 50 a twat?
     
    #2279
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, acricketer and 1 other person like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?

    One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fecking mental, and the other is an agricultural problem.
    please log in to view this image

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    #2280
    Wooperts_duck, Jan 26, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, Flummox and 3 others like this.
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