Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners.

Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.

I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wan*ers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."

 

Some tips for 4x4 drivers.
1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a fcuk what your name is.
2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally.
3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.
4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.
7. When people make "wan*er" signs at you, it"s because you are a wan*er. Learn to live with it.

 

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".

 

Try saying "halal meat" without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.

 

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."