Funnies

Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Bloody typical, all the windows are boarded up and some twats nicked all the soddin' chocolate.

 

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........
Frank, the Tesco door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

 

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me!"
"Just wonderful" says his mum "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry". "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool!"
His wife asks him "What are you watching?"
Husband replies "Our wedding video".

 

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied "Get weighed". So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said "One hundred and twenty pounds". Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed" she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied.

 

A teacher asks her class...." Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?"
Little Paddy raises his hand..."yes miss, it's Trudy Glen"...
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion"
"But miss, what about the song?" Robin Hood, Robin Hood,riding Trudy Glen!"

 

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect.
After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can... but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse".

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where". "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy" admitted the manager "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you". "No problem" the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better". The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me".

 

What does your daddy do for a living day at the primary school.
Becky walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My dad is a fireman and he saves people's lives rescuing them from burning buildings".
That's lovely says the teacher.
Billy walks to the front of the class and says proudly "My daddy is a lifeboat man and he rescues people from the stormy seas".
That's lovely says the teacher.
Finally little Johnny walks slowly to the front of the class and mumbles as softly as he can "My daddy is a lap dancer in a gay club and he makes other men happy".
Giggles around the classroom and the teacher ends the lesson, sending the class out for an early break time.
She grabs Johnny's arm as he walks past and pulls him to one side. "Now Johnny", she says, "It's not really true that your daddy is a lap dancer in a gay bar, is it"?
Reluctantly Johnny says "No Miss". "He actually plays for Newcastle Utd, but I couldn't tell them that could I !!!!!!"

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.......................I cant put it down

 

Lionel Messi walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Get your coat sweetheart. You've pulled."
The woman replies, "Wow. You're a little forward aren't you?"

 

Do you want to join the Alzheimer's protest march? If so, learn the chant...
"What do we want?"
"I don't know!"
"When do we want it?"
"Want what?"

 

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said "I gonna do dat when I win lottery".
"What's dat?" says his mate. Send me lawn away to be cut, says Paddy.

 

A mate of mine said he was planning to go to a fancy dress party as an Italian Island.
I told him not to be Sicily........

 

I'd just flown in to Heathrow and was waiting with every-one else at the baggage claim.
Suddenly there was a bit of a commotion and a man shouted "Help - some-body help, my wife has collapsed"
I immediately ran over and, indeed, a woman had fainted and was lying on the ground unconscious.
I quickly grabbed her under both arms and shouted to her husband "Grab her legs man!"
"What are we going to do?" he asked
I said
"Chuck her on the carousel - she'll soon come round again"