Conspiracy Theory..

Picture this...convo at the end of December.

MA: Alright son.
AC: Hello Mr Ashley.

MA: Pass me that pie from the pie stand please, coz if I stand up, i'll pop a blood vessel.
AC: No problem Mr Ashley sir.

MA: How do you fancy a big money move in January?
AC: Erm.. i'm quite happy playing here Mr Ashley

MA: How much are you on? I would check the file.. but it's all the way over there..
AC: About 30k a week, but it's not about the money, I love wearing the number 9 shi... (MA interrupts)

MA: How about 80k a week son..
AC: (Carroll Pauses) Sorry.. I just jizzed in my pants there Mr Ashley. 80k a week? You're going to pay me 80k a week?

MA: Not me son, Spurs, Liverpool, Chelsea maybe..
AC: Sounds amazing.. I feel like such a scruff on £30k a week.. do you know, I only have 6 cars? ..how could we do it? I mean, the fans? They'd hate me..

**The lights in the office go down, Ashley leans forward as a suspicious red light illuminates his face**

MA: Well son, picture this:
First, we release a lot of statements saying you're not for sale at any price.
Then you do 3 or 4 interviews stating exactly the same, say some bullshit about how you want to emulate Alan Shearer, the fans are stupidly passionate and loyal, they'll fall for that ****. All this time I will secretly invite offers from other clubs so the fans blame them for unsettling you.
FINALLY...on deadline day, when there's no time for us to replace you, we'll complete the deal, you will be on mega bucks and I will keep your fee, bar some tokenistic bidding at 10:30 to make the fans believe that we tried to replace you.. somebody like Nzogbia.. he's a good striker apparently..

AC: He's a midfielder Mr Ashley sir..
MA: errr.. I think I know what i'm talking about youngen.. durrrrr!
AC: Ok, it all sounds amazing, but what if I get injured and it doesn't go through, i'll be devastated.

MA: Don't you worry about that.. you ever faked an injury before?
AC: No...what do you mean?

MA: We claim you have a muscle strain, but claim it's a complicated one, and we'll send you around the world seeing "specialists" until the window is shut.. you'd like a trip around the world wouldn't you Andy...
AC: I'd love it.. but what about the fans.

MA: Just send some bullshit messages to one of the writers at ToonTalk saying you were pushed...they'll believe you, they love you, that means all the hate will then be directed at me.. but I can handle it.. £35m makes all the hate easier to take.. you know how much comfort eating I can do with £35m?
AC: Brilliant... where do I sign.. **** NEWCASTLE!

MA: Nice one sone, that's the spirit, now get out of my office, I have to **** into a bagel and make Derek eat it!

I got all this from my "Senior Source"...(if it works for Sky, it works for me)

 

lmfao

Or more specifically

That cracked me up haha!

 

lol aye, it's funny coz it's most probably true.. ha

 

MA: ...they'll believe you, they love you, that means all the hate will then be directed at me.. but I can take it. Because I'm not a hero. I'm a watchful protector, a silent guardian... a Dark Knight
*puts on cape and jumps out window*

 

This ****ing cracked me up big style

 

I suspect this is actually quite accurate

the ****ing into the bagel bit particularly

 

Actually on second thoughts the ****y bagel was probably for David Craig.

Spiderman-Mask, we should collaborate on a musical version of the events at Newcastle United over the past few days.

(sing the following in a ****ty musical style - slow tempo, backing singers shown in brackets)

MA: I want yoooooou to gooooooooo, (he wants you to go) I WANT YOU TO GO, (he wants you to go) in the transfer-windoooooooooooooow.

dum dum dum diddy dum, dum dum dum diddy dum, dum dum dum diddy dum, dum dum dum diddy dum

AC:
If i leave, i will be rich
But forever known, as mike ashleys bitch ,
But if i stay, I will be poor,
Only only 30k, forever more.
And i hear that scouse girls, they like a fight,
They won't grass, if i beat them up at night...

I WANT TOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOO (he wants to go) I WANT TO GOOOOOOOOOOO (he wants to go)

IN THE TRAAAAAANNNNSSSSFEERRRR WINDDDDOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

(BIG CLIMAX WHERE EVERYONE SINGS, CUT TO DAVID CRAIG EATING A BAGEL!)

thank you and goodnight!

 

Absolutely the best thread I've ever read!!

 

The musical post has pretty much made my afternoon.

 

hahhahahahahahah

 

classic

 

Haha, Brilliant Stuff! About 98% accurate i reckon...i just dont think he would **** on a bagel...a pie maybe...but not a bagel

 

I am the hero Gotham deserves, but not one that we need right now.

 

I think i should get a "not606" award for best musical. ha

 

Can we get the fans in there too with a bit of Queen Bohemian rhapsody the let me go part?

 

Alan Pardew: But.mike.you.said.you... would not let him go
MA: LET HIM GOOOOO!

AP: would not let him go
MA: LET HIM GOOOOO!

AP: would not let him go

MA: GET.ME.A.FIG.ROOOOOOOLLLLLLLL
(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama Mia, LET HIM GO!!!
Steve Bruce has a striker set aside for meeeeee... for meeee... DAVID HEALLLYYYYYYYYYYY