Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Gary Sulter
20 July at 17:14 · Stalham ·
*** BREAKING NEWS ***

EARTHQUAKE IN IPSWICH, SUFFOLK

An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Ipswich in the early hours. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".

The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The Suffolk police reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ipswich. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Baseball caps

Full matching tracksuits

Nike Huarachi trainers

Tartan pyjamas

UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.

£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

My Sister has just come back from what she said was a lovely holiday in Cornwall .

Strange thing was the Cottage had no mirrors in it .

Can't see myself doing that .

 

A bloke goes into the Barbers, the Barber is in a mood and a right miserable git
He sits down and the Barber says "Going on holiday then"?
The guy replies "Yes ,me and the wife are going to Rome", the Barber says "I wouldn't bother mate, we went last month and it was ****, who are you flying with Al Italia"?
The guy replies "Yes"
The Barber says "We flew with them ,they were ****, I bet you're going to the Vatican to see the Pope as well"?
The guy replies "Yes, me and the wife are devout Catholics"
The Barber says "I knew it ,so predictable, me and the wife went there, it was ****"
A couple of months go by and one morning the bloke walks into the Barbers,the Barber recognises him and says "You're the guy who went to Rome, **** isn't it"?
The guy replies "Actually it was wonderful, the weather, people and the food were all fabulous"
"What about Al Italia, they're **** aren't they"? said the Barber
"Actually we got upgraded and the flight was great" replies the guy
"How was the Vatican then? I bet it was ****" asks the Barber
The guy replies "Actually it was brilliant, the Swiss Guard came out and selected me and the wife and ten other people for a private audience with His Holiness, we were taken into his private study, where we held prayers and then the Pope laid his hand on our heads and blessed us"
The Barber asks "Did he say anything to you"?
The guy said "Yes, he said "Who the hell cut your hair? it's ****ing ****!"

 

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

 

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using
their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow”

“Freeze a jolly good fellow"

Come on

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❗️Did you really think I knew anything about Penguins

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Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics.
If it sells well, he'll write one about Kent, too.
.

 

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Nice boots!

 

Due to an unfortunate spacing error while booking our holiday, I am now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads.

 

*Cringe alert*
Twitter theft for which apologies

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine... Ayr Town Centre...

 

No posts since August 2018!
Just saw this on facebook:-

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The image didn't load for me

 

It says
"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo"
and underneath
"One is really heavy.....and the other is a little lighter"

 

That's my kind of joke haha

 

Strange day today.....I found a hat with money in it, then got chased by a angry man with a guitar.

 

I learned today that if you turn a canoe upside down you can wear it as a hat, because its Cap-sized.

 

No need for a special thread, the vast majority of posts on here are a joke .........

 

And you should know