Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

A woman rushes into a police station shouting "Grape Grape!!!!"

The Policeman on the desk says "don't you mean rape?"

The woman replies "No No there were a bunch of them!!!!"

 

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The mother of a 7 year old muslim boy from Oldham who was kidnapped and taken to Syria to fight for Isis has made an emotional appeal.

Can someone please cover his shift in the shop this weekend?

 

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There was a lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gipsy and told her about her problem.

The gipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said, "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle Penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you."

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great.

That is until her husband walks in and he shouts, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

The woman says, "It's a pickled penis."

Unfortunately her husband replied. "PICKLE PENIS MY A*SE!!!"

 

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Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said,
"For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said,
"For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said,
"I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator.
This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go f*ck herself!"

 

My wife wanted a new ring for her birthday.

I went a little better and got her 4 new rings, or a hob as it’s more commonly known.

 

Plymouth Argyle had an open top bus tour around the city.

Apparently the bus was late, not because of the crowds, but because of gearbox trouble.

They couldn't get it above 2nd................

 

A child psychologist vists a school to find out what the children of today are thinking.
First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
"So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
"I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.
Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
"So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks.
"I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."

 

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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the woman.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that"s once".
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that�s twice".
We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule.
Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule.
He looked at me and quietly said, "that's once"..."

 

My wife"s spent hours in the back garden today.

Suppose I"d better go unlock the back door.

 

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "f**k off you bastard!" She screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!

 

Halal meat - how you greet your friends if you live in Newcastle.

 

I just got asked the time by an DHL delivery driver.

So I told the ba*tard it was between 8am and 1pm!

 

This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I"ll take some clothes off."
Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH.
They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn"t open it.
His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend"s shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm.
She flagged down a car.
Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN"T GET OUT!!"
The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big.
He said "If he is that far in, he"s not coming out!"

 

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