Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

I can remember my first day at school. The teacher looked at me during register and asked, "Are you chewing?"

I said, "No, Chew Wing is probably one of the Asian kids, my name is Simon!"

 

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

 

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Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France.
We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn"t half talk some ****e eh? He couldn"t fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.
" Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd is up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I"m sick of his bull-****, I"m off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards out"
The crowd is up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I"ve been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing...
Away Gauls count double in Europe."

 

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him......

"You f*ck her again."

 

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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.....

 

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.

They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see 'Closed For The Winter'.

 

A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week.
Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away.
Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman.
"You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass."
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job.
After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do.
He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."

 

I got caught speeding yesterday.
The policeman asked me to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.
Half way down he stopped me and said, "I"m sorry sir, but you"ll have to come back to the station with me as you"re staggering."
I replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you"re not so bad looking yourself."

 

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood.

I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op.

 

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A man asks his friend, "what"s the most common French expression?"

His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

 

This bloke goes to see his doctor and says, "every time I fart, it sounds like a Honda motorbike.
"So the doc asks the chap to pull his pants down and bend over.
Sure enough, the man farts loudly and its sounds like a Honda motorbike.
The doc says, "you"ve got an abscess up your arse."
The bloke says, "surely it can"t make my arse make noises like that."

The old doctor says, with a cheeky smile, "abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

 

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