Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "jeez, i"d really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don"t be a chickenshit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i"m sorry. right now i"m contemplating on matrimony, and i"d rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "she said she"s constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*it in her pants."
Two Irish fellas walking down the road. One of them gets hit by a passing bus. He is lying on the floor bleeding, and clearly dying. His mate says "should I run and get the priest? " "What are you talking about?I think I'm dying – it's certainly not the time to think about sex! "
My uncle died the other day - he drank a bottle of varnish. The doctor said he had a terrible end, but a lovely finish.
Two blondes were in a building when it catches fire. "Quick! Let"s jump out the window!" one yells to the other. "What? Are you crazy? We"re on the 13th floor!" comes the reply. The first blonde puts her hands on her hips and, with a stern look, says, "listen here miss, this is not the time to get superstitious."
A guy just knocked on my door and asked who my energy supplier was, apparently, "Red Bull", wasn't the answer he was looking for.
With the General Election looming, there's quite a lot of political jokes doing the rounds. The worst thing is, that some of them will probably get elected.
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park. The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says: "I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys" The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered: "Out of what?"
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute...... . 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one alot!) 12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks? 15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post? 16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. 18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: 19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it? 21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
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