Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Manchester City fans on their way to Monaco.

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This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper.
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.
My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of gross indecency in a public place.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

 

My wife gets everything mixed up.

I get my Steaks well done and my Blow Jobs Rare.

 

One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night.
She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa.
I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I"m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker"
"Really" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."

 

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.

 

I'm thinking about joining the KKK.

I'm not racist or anything, I just want to know how they get their sheets so fu*king white.

 

Respect to the Manchester City fans who are doing a sponsored silence for Comic Relief.

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."

 

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:
"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

 

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Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts "Oi, driver! You"re losing your load!"
Driver says "Fcuk off!"5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts " Oi, you"re losing your load!"
Driver again says "Fcuk off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy yells "I"m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"
Driver then shouts "Will you go away you thick Irish twat, I"m gritting!"

 

I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE".

Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!

 

I used to transport large amounts of shallots between Liverpool and Manchester by canal.

I was an onion bargee.

 

A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by
ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading.

The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.

The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying.

The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was
dead his face would be on TV,

The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.

This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.

The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, “Because," said the trooper, "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack!!"

 

An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.
Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end.
"Albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio that there`s a maniac on the M1, and he`s driving the wrong way!"
"Its not just one" Albert replies,"There`s fcuking hundreds of them!"

 

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

 

Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates, "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out everyday, he just dropped dead."

His workmates said, "****ing hell, Paddy, what happened?"

Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open!"

 

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