Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Apparently Leicester City have signed Lenny Henry up as their new manager.

It's the only chance they have of staying in The Premier.

 

Three disabled guys -a blind guy, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair- are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys were the only survivors. They waited patiently for someone to rescue them, but no one showed.

They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair and, eventually they find an oasis.

The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he has NEW LEGS!

He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be independent and insists the blind man goes first.

So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he can SEE!

Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited. He starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side and... lo and behold - NEW TYRES!

 

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The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...

It"s not my fault, I just fcuking panicked and swam to the surface!

 

"I watched that programme the other day, the one with all the cheap nasty antiques on it." I said to my mate.

"You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied.

"No, Loose women!"

 

What do Liverpool and Richard the third have in common?

They both got buried in Leicester!

 

I'm not calling my wife fat but she woke me up at 3am this morning saying that she thought there were some burgers downstairs.

 

"I got fired today," I told my mate,"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."

"That's a bit harsh", he replied.

"They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.

 

A football fan in Manchester saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Manchester Evening News says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now. United fan saves baby from dog!"

The fan says, "I'm not a United fan."

The reporter says, "Ok, City fan saves baby from dog attack!" The fan says, "actually, I support Liverpool."

"Ok," said the reporter, "Bastard bindipper Murders family pet!"

 

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Brummie walks into a tailors.

"Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please."

The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"

Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

 

I love helium, I can't speak highly enough about it.

 

George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in.
He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words....
"Stavros", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village?
Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don"t call me "George the Bridge Builder""
"You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don"t call me "George the Hospital Builder"".
"And the only church in town.... I built that too, and they don"t call me "George the Church Builder",
But you get caught fcuking just one goat......."

 

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please."

The barman says "Bells alright?"

Quasi replies "Mind your own fcuking business."

 

Drogba said that for him the turning point in the game was when his early penalty appeal was turned down after he dramatically threw himself to the ground.

The referee had a point though, as the anthems were still being played.

 

A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I"ll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can"t play."
A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie.
A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused.
The guy says "Ha! you can"t play it."

The octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I"m gonna shag it."

 

"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife.

"WHAT! I'll ****ing kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house.

Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary!

 

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months after she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor said don't worry , you had twins , a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you.

She said oh no , not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl ?

Doc said" Denise". Oh that's not bad she said, what did he name the boy? Doc said "de nephew".

 

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"

Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

 

The Health Secretary is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one, who replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a ye take yer place, painch, tripe or thairm, as langs my airm."

The Health Secretary is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient,who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickering brattle"

Now seriously troubled, the Health Secretary turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

"No" replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."