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Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Discussion in 'Norwich City' started by Resurgam, Feb 10, 2012.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Does she do house calls Dave ? :emoticon-0165-muscl
     
    #1241
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  2. canary-dave

    canary-dave Well-Known Member

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    Only if you snap your fingers! <whistle>
     
    #1242
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  3. Walsh.i.am

    Walsh.i.am Well-Known Member
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    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
    asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
    from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
    'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

    the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
    you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
    Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
    pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
    you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
    was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
     
    #1243
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1244
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1245
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  6. Walsh.i.am

    Walsh.i.am Well-Known Member
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    Still got me chortling like a loony a full half hour after I read it <ok> <applause>
     
    #1246
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  7. KIO

    KIO Well-Known Member

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  8. KIO

    KIO Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1248
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  9. Walsh.i.am

    Walsh.i.am Well-Known Member
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    A selection of banned commercials here.
    A couple of real rippers in there, last one is <laugh>
     
    #1249
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  10. Walsh.i.am

    Walsh.i.am Well-Known Member
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    #1250
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.


    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"


    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?


    Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."


    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."


    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"


    The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


    Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."


    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


    The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


    Don't you just love lawyers?
     
    #1251
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers."This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."

    The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wan*ered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings Lords cricket ground.

    When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
     
    #1252
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

    Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.
     
    #1253
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I can't believe it, 7 weeks until Pancake Day, and the shops are already selling flour and eggs !!
     
    #1254
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Cristiano Ronaldo was bowled over by his player of the year award.

    Even though slow-motion replays showed that it clearly never touched him.
     
    #1255
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy".

    "No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".
     
    #1256
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"

    The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
     
    #1257
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

    She replies, "I know who the father is for one of them, but I don't know who the father is for the other one!"
     
    #1258
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

    At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

    She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
     
    #1259
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners.

    Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.

    I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wan*ers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.
     
    #1260

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