Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge."

I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fcuk I'm supposed to do next?

 

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My latest offering to tickle your humour buds folks.

What goes "Oh Oh Oh?"




















Santa walking backwards

 

A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery.
He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.
The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me.
We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor.
You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother."
"What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?"
"Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."

 

A prospective husband in a book store: "Do you have a book called, 'Husband- the Master of the House?'

Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"*

 

On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.

Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations".

He blessed them all and drove off.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely fu*k all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

 

I hate strip clubs.

I can't touch her, she can't touch me, I can't touch myself, and I have to give her all my cash.

It's just like being home with the wife.

 

I told my wife that when I die I'm leaving everything to her.

She said, "you do that now you lazy bastard!"

 

We're so skint at the moment that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.

 

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?

 

Somebody broke into my house last night and helped themselves to my traditional festive German bread containing dried fruit and dusted with powdered sugar.

Police believe it may have been stollen to order.

 

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried.

Apparently, "balls deep in 'er at number sixteen" wasn't the correct answer.

 

I bought a pair of trainers from the local drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

 

Things you can only say at Christmas:

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.