Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Had it All !!

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I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no,........I just got out of prison."

 

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now sh*t shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the feckin' window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the feckin' cat.

 

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So the Movember Moustache will finally be shaven off at midnight thank god.

I'm so happy, my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.

 

After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.

Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!"

The rescuers shouted "Where are you?"

Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."

 

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*********POLITE NOTICE **********

To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them?
Every time I pass, I think it's the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff , swallow my joint and hide my gun.

Thank you for your understanding.

 

A Liverpool fan walks into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a small break away in England for the Christmas period, but I don't know where to go?"

The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth this time of year."

 

40 Scousers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.Peter consults with God and says to them, "We've only got room for 12 of you so you'll have to decide amongst yourselves who comes into the house of the lord."

5 minutes later St.Peter says to God, "I don't believe it, they've gone!" God says, "What, all 40 of them?" St.Peter says, "No, the fecking gates!"

 

E.T.I.H.A.D

Eleven Twats In Hiding After Defeat

 

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."

Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week."

 

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table, and getting violently ****ed up the arse.

Sometimes, I think my mate Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously!

 

I've got my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.

It's not her main present just a stocking filler.

 

Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball, and a sheeps penis last night.

Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.

 

A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!
Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.
I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Your Flight will non-stop from London Heathrow to Shannon, Ireland . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH,FECK OH MY FECK !!!!!!!!!'
...Silence followed!
...
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled...

'For feck's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!.

 

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