Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

i used to be conceited but now i'm perfect.

 

Roses are straight, violets are twisted, bend over quick your about to get Fisted!

 

My wife sent me a text, "Where are you?" "I'm at my anger management meeting." "How's it going?" "Not good - I'll fill you in later."

 

When people with lisps say "bithneth", you know they mean business.

 

Hoooray!!! Gandys arrived. Glad you're on here I've missed your errr.........special type of humour. I seem to remember this is one of your's from the snakepit thread.....

I went to the doctors the other day and he said I had to stop ****ing, why I asked? Because I'm trying to examine you that's why.

ILD OTBC

 

My doctor told me I have to stop going on these intimate little dinners for two!






































Unless I was actually with someone!

 

I'm on two diets at the moment!

There never seems to be enough food on just the one!

 

Great to see you here ILD!

That joke thread on the Snakepit (R.I.P.) had over 600 replies, and 7,000+ views! Just proves that while we love our footy, we like a good laugh too!

 

What's the worst thing about crotchless panties ? .............. you're balls hang out !!

 

Just spit coffee all over the keyboard, Hilarious!!!

ILD OTBC

 

..

ILD OTBC

 

When Dave first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty
inches.
Dave became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and
even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to
the couple that, though rare, Dave's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
How long will Dave be on crutches? asked his wife anxiously.
Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised
doctor.
Well, said the wife you are planning on lengthening
his legs, aren't you?


ILD OTBC

 

In 2011, the Government funded a study to see why the
head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year
and £250,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger
than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After they published the study,the French decided to do their own.
After £750,000, and 3 years of research, they concluded
that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around £15.00, they concluded
that it was to stop the man's hand from flying off the end and
punching himself in the eye.

ILD OTBC

 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the barman, Barman,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill.
So, the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for
£52.00. The drunk says, I haven't got £52.00.
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for £68.00.
The drunk says, I haven't got £68.00.
The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living crap out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
Barman, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the barman says, What, no drink for me this time?
The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you
start drinking.

ILD OTBC

 

A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman who was standing behind him
raises her arm really high to get the barmans attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
barman, Get the ballerina a drink.
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the barman, Get the ballerina another drink.
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The barman asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the pub before.
The drunk replies, She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high.

ILD OTBC

 

My car broke down on the way to work this morning, and while I was standing on the side of the road looking helpless, a car pulled up and the driver asked me if I needed any help. Yes I said, can you get my car started? Sorry I can’t help he said I’m not a mechanic I’m a Chiropodist. That’s OK I said just give me a Toe then.

ILD OTBC

 

Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra.
"I didn't realise it was him". He said
"They all look the same"

 

I got a Valentines card off my Grandmother yesterday.
Thought that was ridiculous, I haven't had sex with her for years !

 

Whats got 4 legs and more money than rangers?

Harry Redknapps Dog.